LizzaeMcLiz

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Please god someone look at this and tell me what's wrong with this picture. CNN. The most trusted name in news. Ok.

posted by Lizzae @ 8:43 PM 0 comments

Adrenaline Rush

I had a job interview today at Loyola College. I was making a left to get back onto St Paul. If you're familiar with the area, the roads get weird where the city basically ends and the big mansion neighborhoods begin. My interview was at 11, it was 10:50 and I was about 5 minutes away so I was going preeeetty quickly. As soon as my light turned green, I zoomed right through and made my left. Suddenly, in the read view mirrow, I see cars slam together and hear a loud SCREEEEEECH BOOM. I saw cars going everywhere and basically made the decision to stop, and throw my car into reverse. I was going so fast I almost lost control of my car, which was dumb but I think it was mostly the adrenaline. I jumped out of the car and started running up to people to make sure they were ok. Someone had run the red light, when we had the green light, and had hit the car behind mine pretty head one. There was a woman driving and her car spun out of control and hit a pole. The man who ran the red light got out and started hobbling around so I could tell he was mostly ok. I ran to the next car that was hit and there was a woman screaming MY BABY and her air bags had deflated and there was a screaming baby on the backseat. I said 'it's ok, your baby's ok' and after looking her over and seeing she seemed ok, i unbuckled the car sear and pulled the baby, in her seat, towards the door. The fumes from the airbag were in the air and someone said we needed to get her out of her car and somewhere with fresh air. I noticed the baby had blood in its mouth and I got worried but it looked like she'd just bitten her lip when the car was hit. I'm not sure how baby whip-lash works or if this baby had it but after I picked her up and started talking to her and she saw her mother, she stopped crying. The woman sat in a bystanders car and I handed her her little girl and her phone so she could call her fiance. At this point, cops and ambulances and fire trucks were showing up and I was just trying to take it all in. I called Loyola and they said to just take care of what I needed to and give them a call. The wife of the man who ran the red light showed up, he didnt speak much of any english at all, and she started interrogating me about what happened. I tried to tell her we had a green light and he didnt but he insisted he did. I told them I didnt know, maybe there was a problem with the light. After giving the police my information, I left. I called Loyola and they asked me to come back tomorrow at 3:30. I really hope this doesn't effect my chances of getting the job, heh, but who would seriously just keep going? And it's a Jesuit University. Hopefully they'll be understanding. Sigh. What an adrenaline rush.

posted by Lizzae @ 9:29 AM 0 comments

I am house sitting again this year, while my parents are on vacation. I bought a trampoline last night, gonna put that up. I hope my dad lets me keep it but the odds are pretty slim. Only 30 bucks though. I heard this kid rock song and I actually kind of like it

It's another night in hell
Another child won't live to tell
Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death?

And as we sit free and well
Another soldier has to yell
Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath
C'mon now amen

Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas
I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse
Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors
Now damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
And how can we seek salvation when our nations race relations
Got me feeling guilty of being white

But faith in human nature, our creator and our savior, I'm no saint
But I believe in what is right

Stop pointing fingers and take some blame,
Pull your future away from the flame
Open up your mind and start to live

Stop short changing your neighbors,
Living off hand outs and favors, and maybe
Give a little bit more than you got to give

Simplify, testify, identify, rectify
And if I get high stop being so uptight
It's only human nature and I am not a stranger
So baby won't you stay with me tonight


Sometimes I really wonder about life that never happens. There are lots of opportunities for life to begin and most of the time, it doesn't. What happens to those souls and personalities? Did they just never exist? Is our soul really just our hurt and pain and love and happiness that's built up inside of us?

I wish I could be the me I think I am inside and not the me that comes out when I open my mouth.
I say things and don't even know why.
I only feel like the me I really am when I'm writing, listening to music, feeling really inspired.
It makes me wish I never had to speak or communicate with other people and just be permanently introspective. I'm not sure where that part of me comes from.
I think most people would say I have a pretty strong personality and that I can be obnoxious and in your face but...that doesn't feel like the me I know.
I'm quiet and observant and absorbent. I don't know if that's the real me though, or just the scared kid who paid attention so I could fix what was going wrong. Do I notice things about people because I spent so long trying to take care of my mother? Maybe I'm just hyper aware because of self preservation purposes. If I don't know how my mother is feeling, how will I know if she's sad?

I wonder if I'd be someone I'd consider shallow if I hadn't had the experiences that I have in my life. I always thought I'd take the pain away and be normal if I could but I always wonder where that would leave me. Maybe better off.

I've never understood people who wore their problems on their sleeve, creating them and comparing them to find out whose was worse. I knew someone in particular who made their personality out of it. I know my problems were bad. I'm not proud of them. I don't think I've ever wanted to be admired or envied for the terrible things that have happened to me. I don't want to get into an argument with someone over who has had the worst thing happen to them. I am ashamed of what I went through. The person it seems they're trying to be respected for being...I just want to forget about.

I feel like the right thing to do with my life is to dedicate it to making other people's better. I just wish I knew the best and most effective way to do it. There are homeless people in the city I wish I could give shelter to, there are poor hungry homeless pets starving everywhere, there are poor kids who don't even know that there's an entire world out there...and that's just in my city. I know there are people who have it much worse in other countries, on a level that doesn't even compare to the things I see everyday.
And my life is just perfect.
I have this nagging guilt because of it and I wonder why other people don't have it. I don't see how I am supposed to enjoy the things I have when I know the ridiculous lack of balance there is. I feel guilty that there is uneaten food sitting on my shelves and someone is hungry. It doesn't seem fair. I'm beginning to think more and more that it doesn't seem right to have a lot when others have none. I think no one should have more until everyone has some. I just wonder sometimes what a world like that would even be like, where no one is full when someone else is hungry and when no one is warm without making sure that everyone else is too. It seems like the most common sense thing to me, but I also see how completely unrealistic it is.
Regardless, I wish there was some easy answer someone could give me when I ask "how do I spend the rest of my life trying to make that happen?"
I honestly can't think of any other career or path in life that makes as much sense to take.
I work 9-5 and I hate it. I lie around doing nothing and I hate it. I just keep asking myself, isn't there supposed to be something I WANT to do with the rest of my life? How can I bother even getting up in the morning when I see no point? And the only answer I can give myself, the only option that seems to make basic common sense is everything I mentioned before: working towards that balance. Why on earth would I get up, drive my car to an office, buy clothes I'm 'supposed' to have, and sit at a desk all day doing literal meaningless crap? I am answering phones and making colored spreadsheets and organizing projects that someone seems to think matters and dozens of children died a horrible death. That sounds really dramatic I think but only because it IS really dramatic. It sounds ridiculous to me. I want to get on a plane, fly to a place where my help is needed and appreciated, and I want to roll up my sleeves and do whatever is necessary. What *ever*. I don't feel that dedicated to anything else in the world, I don't consider really anything else to even come close to mattering.
But regardless, this is reality and I have rent and bills to pay and I do have to get up and put on nice pants that I paid 80 bucks for and go to work and push papers around. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING REAL WITH MY LIFE. THIS IS MY LIFE. I only get one heart and one set of lungs and two feet and I only get to breathe in and out for an indefinite period of time until I have to stop, for whatever reason. I can't stand wasting any of that one more day...but I guess I do anyway. I guess I'll keep asking myself what the answer is until I can give myself some kind of adequate response. Maybe one day I'll get the chance to just jump in and get my hands dirty and dig away trying to make as big of an impact as I can until I can't anymore. Until then, I suppose I'll just look for the little opportunities I get everyday to do what I can

posted by Lizzae @ 7:37 AM 0 comments

Hello again, world.

I heard some interesting news the other day about someone who I would not exactly call my friend.
It made me want to do and say something but I know there's really just no point. Besides, some things are better left alone I suppose and some people are better off.

I have this desire to just observe without being a part of. It might sound strange, it does to me anyway, but I think I notice things about people that people don't want noticed. I think that's why I don't communicate well with most people.

I am trying to find a place in society that I fit into. I don't feel comfortable working 9-5, I don't feel comfortable making minimum wage or just above it, and I have serious trouble succeeding in a classroom environment. Where does that leave me? Really rich or really poor? I feel like there are a lot of people from my generation who are finding themselves feeling this way. They've been told by their middle class working parents that they have every opportunity available to do anything they want with their lives. Most parents aren't very good at instilling the work ethic that requires though. All you end up with is a bunch of white kids who think they're took good for manual labor and are too bored/unmotivated for a white collar desk job. I feel like I could write a book about it. I think I'd call it Middle Class Suburban Wasteland and it will be about what happens to kids like that and why they ended up that way.

I am very interested in sociology but am too lazy and unmotivated to get a degree in it. I also feel like it would be worthless and I couldn't do what I wanted with it anyway. Where does that leave me? Nowhere. I feel this way about almost everything in my life. Hm, I guess the answer is to just do it anyway. Excuses, excuses.

I was walking down the street on Lexington Ave to get to my car and a gentleman said to me, 'Keep it tight baby'. That was it, he kept going. I'm not sure what it meant specifically, I'd like to think it was a compliment.

I think most people are happiest when they realize the way the world works and they start playing along. I also think some people are better at the game than most, but some are also very bad. I suppose that's a reason to just be happy with what you have.

I need to read more and listen to more music.

I just don't know.
I keep thinking more and more about it but still, I don't know.
I'm getting better anyway. I think
I used to tell myself that I was a 'work in progress' whenever I felt like my efforts to change weren't working. Just one step at a time. It's funny how once the stress was gone, my urgency to work on myself was gone too. They should really bottle that stuff.

I miss my old job a lot. It is most likely because I haven't found anything 'better'. Apparently there was a rumor going around the office that I work at a grocery store now. Haha. I guess it's not that funny but I'm sure they enjoyed it. I miss the easyness of it and yet that was my main problem with it as well. You don't know what you've got til it's gone I guess but I don't really believe that. I think perspectives just change. Now that the Holidays are here, it makes me miss it more though. There's something about being around a lot of people you know during that time. I have a pretty small family.

I find it odd that I probably have the shortest attention span of anyone I know but whenever I see a small window with a beautiful view, I just want to sit in it and stare out at it. I could do that forever. I did it on the cruise and I listened to my IPod and it was wonderful.

I still miss Pat sometimes. I don't know how we'd ever be friends though. I remember a lot of the anger at the end and my obliviousness to myself. I have a very good boyfriend now though. We bicker a lot! And sometimes he can be so annoying but so can I. And he cares about me and cooks for me and takes care of me when I'm sad/sick and that's what really matters. And I just don't want to hurt him because I've never been with such a trustworthy selfless person before. Life is pretty good on that front I suppose. In fact, I need to go pick him up at work.

I think it's important to note the fluctuation in the problems in life. Sometimes a problem seems so immediate and life threatening but when I think about it....money is still a nuisance, nothing new. My family is still crazy, nothing new there either. I still have little education and career direction. I guess I just have to keep hacking away at those things and happiness will get here eventually.

I wish I could do nothing but positive things with my life. I wish I could immerse myself somewhere that my basic skills are needed and just use them and be happy doing it. Why is that as hard to do as it is? Reasonable logical reasons I'm sure.


One day anyway.

posted by Lizzae @ 12:45 PM 0 comments

I got a flat tire!

I was told by someone that i'm in an existentialist funk. Maybe.

I think i've done one stupid think after the other, because I seem to think I can temporarily freeze reality by telling myself I don't care about the outcome of my action.
That used to work but doesn't seem to fly now.
Ugh.
Stupid stupid Liz.
Stupid Liz.
I miss my old job buuuut that's done.
I am in the process of TRYING to find a job that doesn't make me want to blow my brains out.
I guess I should just tell myself it's only temporary until I find something better.
Nothing says the job I take now is one I have to do for more than a month, really.
Well, that helps.


I am beginning to think my childhood is affecting me right now a lot more than before. Perhaps because I'm only really now out of it, or perhaps because I'm making excuses for myself. I hope it isn't really the latter. I just don't know how to deal with my new serious adult roles and decisions. I find myself getting tired of my responsibility and wanting to abandon it for doing nothing. Just like when I was in middle, high school, college. I failed so bad at Educate. I got tired and lazy and I guess I took advantage but I did make sure I always did my work and did it well. I guess I don't see the harm in my actions and hoped because we were 'friends' and got along, he'd be more understanding. Maybe I was just being stupid, again. Ugh.
I keep having the same dreams again. Not fun. I have the next 2 days off, sort of, really only Friday because tomorrow is errands city. Drug test(haha), driving to Bel Air, some other stuff, I'm too tired to think anymore. Right, walking Skip in the morn and eve. I don't mind that so much but it would be nice if it were just once a day

posted by Lizzae @ 8:34 PM 0 comments

I'm scared.
I'm also angry that I'm scared.
I feel betrayed but mostly by my own compass.
I'm not entirely sure what the plan is right now. I want to lay around and do nothing for the entire rest of my entire life. I'm not sure what that means. Am I depressed? I don't feel depressed, I feel disappointed.
Am I at all really surprised about how things have turned out? I guess I am, somewhat.

Mostly I am just very...
I feel empty in a way, except for the rock at the pit of my stomach.

I also feel a tiny little bit of cautious hope, but it's immediately squashed by fear and worry and dread and anxiety and "oh my god what the hell am I going to do now".

Sigh. I'm going home.

posted by Lizzae @ 6:11 AM 0 comments

posted by Lizzae @ 6:55 AM 0 comments