Memorial Day
My room and most other things seem to be coming together nicely
I, however, appear to be unraveling at the seams
It's been a long four months. A lot of things have happened to change me in a lot of ways and
i
don't
like
it.
I can't help it but now, as much as I love you,
I hate you.
What hurts the most
I miss you and love you so much. But you said that's life, right?
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the mostWas being so closeAnd having so much to sayAnd watching you walk awayAnd never knowingWhat could have beenAnd not seeing that loving youIs what I was tryin’ to doIt’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see your old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
The Most Dysfunctional Relationship That Never Was
I wonder how many days Raaid and I spent "together" vs. how many days we spent broken up. The scale probably tips quite away more towards the latter. That's probably a big "you're doing the right thing" thumbs up. Can't wait for this summer. I love my friends :) My room is awesome, my car is awesome, my job is awesome, and my pool is awesome. I am going to relax until it hurts. Woohoo. And also, I think I'm going to take ceramics this summer. I really want to learn to work with the wheel. Sounds yummy
So much to do, so little time to do nothing
I haven't exercised in like a week. Yuck. I want to go running but the weather's been pretty gross and I've been pretty busy.
I have my car, I'm slowly but surely moving...and actually I'm not sure why I havent moved completely. Well I suppose I do know but I need to get on it and stop being lazy and just pack up all my crap and move. Unfortunately, there's just not enough time in the day. I wake up at 8, I'm out of the house until 5-6(depending on the day) and by the time I manage to do anything it's 9 and I am so freaking tired. I don't have the energy to pack and drive to bel air and unpack and set everything up and finish painting and hang everything on the walls and clean the carpet.
Not to mention there's the things I *want* to do and with so many people leaving soon, I'm rushing to try and see people in the time I don't have. I'm sure I'm exagerating though and spend too much time sitting around doing nothing. But hey, I want time to sit around and do nothing too.
Work is fine, very easy and steady. If I just take everything one step at a time, there's no reason to get frustrated or overwhelmed. I'm only annoyed when I'm stuck doing something I dislike and that's rarely for more than half a day at most.
Not sure why I bother writing in this thing. Not sure that I have any thoughts I feel like sharing. I don't have much patience for people anymore but in my case, that's probably a good thing. I usually have way too much tolerance. Yawn. I need more sleep, money, and time and less work, bills, and annoying things in my life. Where do I sign up for that?
Happy HersDay
I'm at work. I love my car. I feel so free. I really don't feel like moving all my stuff home. I'm sooo lazy. But it's really because I just can't seem to get a full nights sleep. I need to seriously work on that. And my tan.
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between
And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves
Corcovado parted the sky
This weekend was eventful. On Friday after 5, people from work went to a bar around the corner to celebrate Cinco De Mayo. I declined to join and went home and met up with Adrienne. Then, we went to WaWa and had drinks, watched shaun of the dead, and Adri and Al came over to make drinks. I spilled several things multiple times, all over the carpet. In true Liz fashion. On Saturday, Gavin came down and we went to the 89th annual flower festival. I bought an awesome ring, we got our faces painted, we climbed the washington memorial, defaced it, got yelled at by a crazy woman, and bought some organic soap. The festival was awesome but it was still early so we grabbed the bus and went downtown and sat on the water and fed some ducks and a baby. It was very pretty and I got some nice sun. After that, we got awesome sushi and came home and did what we should have done that morning. We got high. We got high on the roof. We got high in my room. We rolled a joint and walked to the park and basked in the setting sun and got high. Then after a nice scenic walk around Charles Village, we came back and passed out. He left around 11 and I guess I could have gone out after that but I didnt really have it in me. These attempts to keep myself distracted are very fun and I'm glad I'm doing them but I wish I could enjoy them as much as possible. I'm grateful for Adrienne because seeing my feelings mirrored in her is very comforting and makes me feel like I'm not completely insane. I am picking up my car either Tuesday or Thursday and then that's it. Thank you Jesus, I am leaving Baltimore and never again speaking to anyone who associates themselves with that awful place again. I have to keep reminding myself that in order to overcome the bad and experience the good, you have to trudge your way through the bad first. These feelings suck and are still what I consider the worst in the world but that's life and before I know it, he really will mean less than nothing to me. I can't wait until I don't care if I ever speak to that asshole again. Woohoo
camelback scoob: oh, but speaking of eating, a friend of mine is having a chocolate bunny eating party (she has a 3-foot chocolate bunny) sometime this coming week
camelback scoob: want to come?
Good Fucking Morning
It is Thursday morning, 9:55 am, and I am at work. I am literally so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I hung out with Adrienne and Gavin last night after work and then went to sleep. I don't think I fell asleep until about 3 though. I had a couple of things keeping me up you could say. I am so tired. I want coffee but Whole Foods coffee actually manages to be more expensive than a Starbucks. How, I have no idea. We have coffee here but it tastes like someone drank it with molasses and then vomitted it back up. I may go over to whole foods and just get myself some fancy schmancy creamer. I have to make phone calls this morning. Making calls is my least favorite part of this job. Nothing frustrates me more than a stupid or mean person on the phone. I don't even like talking to nice people. My parents may get a divorce. I wish I had new parents. I use this guys laptop at work and guy decided to go to a ten hour meeting this morning without logging me into the network. It's gonna be a fun computer-less morning. It better not be a fun computer-less afternoon or my boss may walk in to find my face plastered to the desk and drool on all her papers. So tired
Random Tuesday
It's Tuesday but I really wish it were Friday and 5 oclock.
I hope my parents figure something out about my car and fast because I need to get out of this place. Every day is a reminder of a lot of things I'd rather forget. At least there always seems
something to do. Even if it's Lost and hanging out with flip flop.
I went outside for lunch today and sat down by the water and watched sail boats go by. It felt nice to have the sun on the back of my neck.
I'm reading The Da Vinci code. It's weird reading a book I know so many other people have read. Couldn't say why though.
I made a mistake Sunday night that I hope I'll be smart enough not to make again.
I'm focusing on ignoring the feelings inside of me, rather than confronting and experiencing. It's making everything a lot easier. And it makes everything seem a little bit brighter.
Experience and living life really does make it easier when you have to confront a repeat problem. I guess that's why old folks are so smart
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fadeAnd now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at allAnd here i rest where disappointment and regret collideLying awake at night
