Some beach, somewhere
Blargh. I hate that I have one of these things. I hate that I feel compelled to write in this thing.
Something happy...
I love sitting at my computer, drinking tea, being in my pjs, and listening to music. I feel like I'm in my niche and I'm happy. How do I expand that feeling? I miss feeling comfortable in my body. I don't necessarily want to be skinny so I can be attractive to other people (although that's always nice) but so I can be comfortable in my skin. I loved who I was when I felt fit and wasn't always wondering if I looked fat in something. Ever since I gained a few pounds, I've just felt kind of off. In order to expand my feeling of belonging and comfort I must: get into shape. Not necessarily get skinny or lose weight, just get into shape.
TOMORROW IM LEAVING FOR THE BEACH FOR A WEEK.
(ok maybe not one nearly as beautiful as this one)
Ideally that means: sleeping in, going to the beach all day, getting a tan, smoking and drinking with my friends, passing out and doing it every day for 7 straight days
What will probably happen: I will get up early, go to the beach, get hot, come back to the room, smoke in the AC'd room, take a nap, eat, go back to the beach, go to the pool, fight with my sister like we're 12 again, go out with friends and pass out and do that everyday for 7 straight days
Either way, I better get a fucking tan and some color in my cheeks. I look like a ghost.
My job is boring. I hope I don't forget to pack my books I want to read that I stole from Stacey (shh) for the beach. I hope I don't forget anything actually. I kind of want a nap.
TGI the weekend
Sigh. I'm exhausted. Mentally exhausted. I've been thinking about a lot of things, going over a lot of things in my mind, trying to sort things out so that they make sense to me and so I can just stop analyzing them. I want to just tell myself I'm the victim so it's ok to just be sad and move on and let go. I don't know why I won't just let myself be the wronged person. It's a natual part of grief and yet I won't let myself have that. Everytime I think "maybe it's just his fault", I come up with ten reasons right away why it's actually my fault. I hate that I have to work against myself. Why doesn't my body just want to do what's right for me?
Sometimes I think about the things that have gone wrong in my life, that were out of my control, and it can be kind of overwhelming. I think about all of the work I need to do to catch up with all the emotionally stable people. It makes me angry and I want to say it isn't fair that I am starting off on an unfair playing field but I can usually make that thought go away if I tell myself so many people have much worse obstacles. But that doesn't make me any less angry that I don't have the self worth I deserve, or the social skills, or even the opportunities, and that I have this inclination to love boys who can't love me. What the hell am I so afraid of that normal people aren't? What don't I see that they do?
Whatever
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the days always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating
Telling you that I've had it with you and your career,
Please come back home...
You know the place where you used to live,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just filling my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
I'm no longer debatin', Tired of sitting and hating and making these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here
Right. So I got tired of looking at my last post. Not sure what to write. It's 12:34 a.m. and I
should be sleeping because I have to be up at 7 but I would really rather continue doing what I'm doing right now. Which doesn't involve sleeping. I don't know why but I haven't been sleeping very well since I moved back home. I miss my old bed. I have the song Rocketman by Elton John stuck in my head. It was on the radio today when I was sitting in the parking lot of the Arena Club blowing up my new pool raft. I'm also kind of in the mood to put on some Death Cab but it's a little late for music, maybe I'll watch tv reruns. I wonder if I am cold to 99.7% of the people I know. I wonder why I would be that way. I mean I suppose I could guess but it just surprises me. I'm not a cold person. I'm just cold after a certain
point. Oh well. I'd rather not think too much about it at 12:42 on a Sunday night when I have a long day of work ahead of me tomorrow. At least I have a lunch packed and clothes ironed (thanks to my mommy:) )for tomorrow so it should be a good morning I hope. Ah well. I guess I'll go to bed now.
Love Calculator
Ranma76430: look,
Ranma76430: actions speak louder than words
LizZaeMcLiz: true
Ranma76430: you do what you do, and he does (or doesn't) do what he does
Ranma76430: if those, in comparison, to you, really add up...
Ranma76430: then you may be bad at math :(
LizZaeMcLiz: im terrible at math actually
Ranma76430: lol
Ranma76430: get a calculator
Ranma76430: a love calculator
Ranma76430: TI-83 Love edition
I Will Follow You Into The Dark
I never post on this thing. Partly because I don't ever really have the opportunity.
Maybe it's pathetic to admit it but it bothers me that the automatic font before I post is the same as Raaids. I think I talk about him less now.
I do think about him less. Or rather, when I think about him I don't get sad as often as I did before. I can have a thought about him and not become instantly sad.
I even started listening to the radio again.
Sort of.
NPR is always my safety net. Except during after hours jazz that is.
I have a bit of a crush on someone I shouldn't. It's a bad idea and even though I can't really help it...it makes me angry at myself.
You know how when you're at the very end of a breakup and you feel like utter shit and you meet someone who makes you feel the exact opposite and it's amazing and you think you're so lucky because *now* you can stop crying until you throw up and having fucked up dreams late at night...and *finally* now you can think about someone new and safe and who makes you laugh and blush at the same time? That feeling is bull shit. That ecstatic, can't-wait-until-they-call feeling is filling up the black-hole-vomiting-nightmaring part of you that he used to fill and when the happiness is ripped out again, the scar rips right back open. Filling heartbreak with love is counterproductive. You should fill your heartbreak with friends and arts and crafts and time alone so that you have things that no silly boy can take from you when he decides you're just not what he wants.
When we stopped speaking for a few days, and I surrounded myself with those things, I realized how angry I am. I wasn't angry before because I was too preoccupied with the soccer-ball sized hole that I felt he had ripped out of my chest.
I let him become so engrained in who I am, so integral to who I thought I was going to be...that leaving my life really did leave me up shit creek without a paddle.
Some people hand their love out to lots of people and so when one, even two people break their heart, they have a thousand other people around them. Some people are so afraid of giving out their love that they can only bring themselves to give it all to one person and with great difficulty. Those are the people that let heartbreak take over their lives.
I hate that I am that person, that I am so afraid of loving and being hurt, that I would allow myself to give one complete person that much power over me. I am
so angry because I can't believe he hurt me that much but mostly, because I didn't think he could. So am I angry at him or myself? Does it matter? And what comes after anger? Disinterest? Indifference?
I guess it feels good to say all those things and get them off my chest because they've been clouding my head for weeks. I had a nightmare last night that a meteor was headed towards Earth and it was going to impact and kill everyone instantly and everyone knew it and so I called him and begged him to please spend the end of the world with me but he said he couldn't, he had to spend it with his family and friends. I can't believe my brain actually manifested that pathetic dream. And that it hurt so much. And that I had to freaking beg.
And he still said no. Ugh. I want to say 'can't I please just meet my own version of Cute Guy and be happy already?' but I know I need to say 'I need to gain my independence of needing others and just be alone'. I feel like an eight year old trying to convince himself he'd rather have brussel sprouts than have cake.
It's 7:47 pm on a Friday night and I just contemplated going to bed in a couple of hours. What the hell?
Something other than nothing
I am scared I won't stop loving him for years and all I'll end up with is 23 birthday candles and no one loving me back. I guess it's time to buck up and care about something other than trying to find *some* one I can trust to love me, and that I can love back and not have to be afraid of being hurt. Why does it seem so hard to care about anything unless I know I have someone standing behind me ushering me along telling me it's all going to work out?
I stopped listening to the radio. There's about four songs I won't change if they come on the radio and other than that, it's strictly NPR for me. I used to enjoy being sad because I guess it made me feel something. That sounds trite and cliche but I'd rather avoid feeling most of my emotions for right now. Im sure that will change with time.
I'm getting sick, thanks to the sudden change in weather. Fun
I went to Philly today and saw Al Gore's movie, the inconvenient truth. Very enjoyable, I hope lots and lots of people decide to see it.
I'm very tired
"Some lies are so well disguised to resemble truth, that we should be poor judges of the truth not to believe them ." Willliam Jefferson Clinton
