It's been a long time since I've written out any of my thoughts. I guess I haven't had a lot to say.
Or maybe I haven't felt like telling strangers about my life.
It's weird to think that for years and years I just always assumed I'd be a writer. Whatever I did for a living, it would involve some kind of writing. I thought it was the only thing I was good at I guess.
I have a lot of things going on right now. With work, and moving, and relationships, life is busy and complicated. It isn't very boring at all. That's good though, because being bored is probably my least favorite thing of all.
I don't do a lot of the things anymore that I used to do that defined me. I don't listen to lots of music, I don't really write...
I guess I was sort of defined by being unhappy and I'm not unhappy anymore. It would make sense then I guess that I don't do those things anymore. It isn't bad to not be defined by the things that represented your misery.
What am I doing with my life...
I'm going to school part time at night.
I get up and go to work everyday, trying to keep as much of the future in perspective as I can.
I worry I'm still a frightened and skiddish 13 year old girl who will choose the selfish thing over the responsible thing.
I have to remember that there's a difference between Happiness and Pleasure.
Happiness and Pleasure.
Do I want a tattoo?
I've been trying to decide if I want a tattoo. There's something sexy and alluring about them but at the same time, there's something trashy and horribly permanent about them too.
I don't want to settle...
I'm moving into an apartment that I think really suits me. It has an old fireplace! And high ceilings! And it's in the most beautiful old row home I've ever seen. I hope I can stay afloat financially. I feel half way on the cusp of being an adult and half way like I'm doing a convincing job of faking it.
It's very easy to love doing something so much that you become consumed by it and forget completely why you loved doing it in the first place. It's possible for it to just become a subconscious pattern that makes you feel safe rather than happy. What's the point in that? It's just depressing.
I bought 2 hermit crabs at the beach. I was never allowed to have one as a kid, even though I always wanted one, but I don't think that's why I got them. They're cuter and more fun than I thought they'd be too. It's been fun giving them an awesome house.
Oh, and I killed a bird on the way home from the beach this weekend. It flew too low and a car hit it and then it ran into my car trying to get away. I pulled over and cried and then tried to see if I could find it. I don't care if that sounds insane, by the way. I just kept thinking it was doing perfectly fine flying in the sky and BAM a car hit it. I thought it could have just been laying on the side of the road, slowly and painfully dying. The poor bird. I'm sure it never hurt anyone. Stupid humans.
Is wanting something you can't have a personality trait or is it possible to grow out of? I am tired of the things I don't want being the most appealing things.
I fear getting stuck in a rut. Of not realizing im settling until I've already settled and then it's too difficult or bothersome to get out of. My lethargy and lack of drive are my worst enemies. I wish I had an insane amount of drive and ambition. Intelligence is very useful in the world but drive and ambition are more important. Usually. I think anyway.
You can fake almost anything but those things.
Sometimes I just want to start over. Starting over allows you to clean the slate and start fresh but I realized that can be as counterproductive as it is productive. If you keep wiping away the slate, you'll never build any kind of foundation. You'll never have anything solid that you can trust fully. Maybe if you feel the need for a fresh start enough times, it's time to realize the problem isn't the environment but the person.
Moby has some really good songs and some really shitty ones too. The speed racer remix...it either completely sucks or has a quality that is only detectable to people on acid. On the other hand, One Of These Mornings is amazing.
I have insanely weird dreams at night.
I wish I could describe them but I can't.
I think there are a lot of things that are tangible that you can say make a person an adult but I think the biggest definition of what makes someone an adult is their attitude. Will I sit here and argue with this person because I know they're wrong or will I go fix the problem myself? Will I get this done, even though I don't want to, because someone is going to have to do it and there's no reason it shouldn't be me? It's when you stop picking the lazy easy thing and start doing the responsible thing that makes the most sense.
Easier said than done, for sure.
Will I stop blaming the things in the past for the reason I won't do anything with my life...or will I just do something with my life?
It's too bad ambition and drive aren't more like a light switch, to just be turned on.
It's something that has to be worked at and maintained or it just withers away.
I think it's somewhat unfair about drugs.
Life can be a pretty miserable thing, I don't think a lot of people would disagree. You have to often work hard to notice the positives, you have to deal with a lot of crap to reap the benefits. Drugs, however, can make you feel good instantly. There's no work involved, there's nothing difficult or gray about it. When you snort cocaine, you feel as if you can conquer the world. There are no promotions or bills or boyfriends. It's just feeling and emotion.
However, if all you do is snort cocaine, your life will fall apart. You can't feel good all of the time. You have to go to work and suck it up, you have to come home and deal with the ups and downs of your relationships. You have to be miserable before you can be happy. There's this weird ying-yang that exists in the world that is, in my opinion, rather unfair.
You can take most drug addicts as an example or ask anyone who knows anything about the subject but they'll generally tell you that all the pleasure you get from taking those drugs is really only just destroying you. Besides the obvious in-your-face examples of losing jobs and relationships, your brain doesn't *want* to experience pleasure all of the time. It gets lazy and lethargic at best and breaks down and dies at worst.
Why can't I drop acid all day and be as oblivious to the pain of the real world as I want to be? Why do I *have* to experience unhappiness to experience happiness?
I really would like to know who made these rules. Nature? Weird to think about.
I guess its just one of those philosophical things you'll never know and just won't ever make complete sense.
sleep walking through the all-nite drugstore
baptized in flourescent light
i found religion in the greeting card aisle
now i know hallmark was right
and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking to me
yeah, art may imitate life
but life imitates t.v.
'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and let's just say that things look different now
different in so many ways
i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
if i was dressed in my best defenses
would you agree to meet me for coffee
if i did my tricks with smoke and mirrors
would you still know which one was me
if i was naked and screaming on your front lawn
would you turn on the light and come down
screaming " there's the asshole who did this to me
stripped me of my power
stripped me down"
and now i'm a different person
different in so many ways
tell me what did you like about me
don't say my strength and daring
'cuz now i think i'm at your mercy
and it's my first time for this kind of thing
cause,
i used to be a superhero
i would swoop down and save me from myself
and,
you are like a phone booth that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
i am worse than everybody else
posted by Lizzae @ 5:21 PM
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