LizzaeMcLiz

Hello again, world.

I heard some interesting news the other day about someone who I would not exactly call my friend.
It made me want to do and say something but I know there's really just no point. Besides, some things are better left alone I suppose and some people are better off.

I have this desire to just observe without being a part of. It might sound strange, it does to me anyway, but I think I notice things about people that people don't want noticed. I think that's why I don't communicate well with most people.

I am trying to find a place in society that I fit into. I don't feel comfortable working 9-5, I don't feel comfortable making minimum wage or just above it, and I have serious trouble succeeding in a classroom environment. Where does that leave me? Really rich or really poor? I feel like there are a lot of people from my generation who are finding themselves feeling this way. They've been told by their middle class working parents that they have every opportunity available to do anything they want with their lives. Most parents aren't very good at instilling the work ethic that requires though. All you end up with is a bunch of white kids who think they're took good for manual labor and are too bored/unmotivated for a white collar desk job. I feel like I could write a book about it. I think I'd call it Middle Class Suburban Wasteland and it will be about what happens to kids like that and why they ended up that way.

I am very interested in sociology but am too lazy and unmotivated to get a degree in it. I also feel like it would be worthless and I couldn't do what I wanted with it anyway. Where does that leave me? Nowhere. I feel this way about almost everything in my life. Hm, I guess the answer is to just do it anyway. Excuses, excuses.

I was walking down the street on Lexington Ave to get to my car and a gentleman said to me, 'Keep it tight baby'. That was it, he kept going. I'm not sure what it meant specifically, I'd like to think it was a compliment.

I think most people are happiest when they realize the way the world works and they start playing along. I also think some people are better at the game than most, but some are also very bad. I suppose that's a reason to just be happy with what you have.

I need to read more and listen to more music.

I just don't know.
I keep thinking more and more about it but still, I don't know.
I'm getting better anyway. I think
I used to tell myself that I was a 'work in progress' whenever I felt like my efforts to change weren't working. Just one step at a time. It's funny how once the stress was gone, my urgency to work on myself was gone too. They should really bottle that stuff.

I miss my old job a lot. It is most likely because I haven't found anything 'better'. Apparently there was a rumor going around the office that I work at a grocery store now. Haha. I guess it's not that funny but I'm sure they enjoyed it. I miss the easyness of it and yet that was my main problem with it as well. You don't know what you've got til it's gone I guess but I don't really believe that. I think perspectives just change. Now that the Holidays are here, it makes me miss it more though. There's something about being around a lot of people you know during that time. I have a pretty small family.

I find it odd that I probably have the shortest attention span of anyone I know but whenever I see a small window with a beautiful view, I just want to sit in it and stare out at it. I could do that forever. I did it on the cruise and I listened to my IPod and it was wonderful.

I still miss Pat sometimes. I don't know how we'd ever be friends though. I remember a lot of the anger at the end and my obliviousness to myself. I have a very good boyfriend now though. We bicker a lot! And sometimes he can be so annoying but so can I. And he cares about me and cooks for me and takes care of me when I'm sad/sick and that's what really matters. And I just don't want to hurt him because I've never been with such a trustworthy selfless person before. Life is pretty good on that front I suppose. In fact, I need to go pick him up at work.

I think it's important to note the fluctuation in the problems in life. Sometimes a problem seems so immediate and life threatening but when I think about it....money is still a nuisance, nothing new. My family is still crazy, nothing new there either. I still have little education and career direction. I guess I just have to keep hacking away at those things and happiness will get here eventually.

I wish I could do nothing but positive things with my life. I wish I could immerse myself somewhere that my basic skills are needed and just use them and be happy doing it. Why is that as hard to do as it is? Reasonable logical reasons I'm sure.


One day anyway.

posted by Lizzae @ 12:45 PM