Adrenaline Rush
I had a job interview today at Loyola College. I was making a left to get back onto St Paul. If you're familiar with the area, the roads get weird where the city basically ends and the big mansion neighborhoods begin. My interview was at 11, it was 10:50 and I was about 5 minutes away so I was going preeeetty quickly. As soon as my light turned green, I zoomed right through and made my left. Suddenly, in the read view mirrow, I see cars slam together and hear a loud SCREEEEEECH BOOM. I saw cars going everywhere and basically made the decision to stop, and throw my car into reverse. I was going so fast I almost lost control of my car, which was dumb but I think it was mostly the adrenaline. I jumped out of the car and started running up to people to make sure they were ok. Someone had run the red light, when we had the green light, and had hit the car behind mine pretty head one. There was a woman driving and her car spun out of control and hit a pole. The man who ran the red light got out and started hobbling around so I could tell he was mostly ok. I ran to the next car that was hit and there was a woman screaming MY BABY and her air bags had deflated and there was a screaming baby on the backseat. I said 'it's ok, your baby's ok' and after looking her over and seeing she seemed ok, i unbuckled the car sear and pulled the baby, in her seat, towards the door. The fumes from the airbag were in the air and someone said we needed to get her out of her car and somewhere with fresh air. I noticed the baby had blood in its mouth and I got worried but it looked like she'd just bitten her lip when the car was hit. I'm not sure how baby whip-lash works or if this baby had it but after I picked her up and started talking to her and she saw her mother, she stopped crying. The woman sat in a bystanders car and I handed her her little girl and her phone so she could call her fiance. At this point, cops and ambulances and fire trucks were showing up and I was just trying to take it all in. I called Loyola and they said to just take care of what I needed to and give them a call. The wife of the man who ran the red light showed up, he didnt speak much of any english at all, and she started interrogating me about what happened. I tried to tell her we had a green light and he didnt but he insisted he did. I told them I didnt know, maybe there was a problem with the light. After giving the police my information, I left. I called Loyola and they asked me to come back tomorrow at 3:30. I really hope this doesn't effect my chances of getting the job, heh, but who would seriously just keep going? And it's a Jesuit University. Hopefully they'll be understanding. Sigh. What an adrenaline rush.
I am house sitting again this year, while my parents are on vacation. I bought a trampoline last night, gonna put that up. I hope my dad lets me keep it but the odds are pretty slim. Only 30 bucks though. I heard this kid rock song and I actually kind of like it
It's another night in hell
Another child won't live to tell
Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death?
And as we sit free and well
Another soldier has to yell
Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath
C'mon now amen
Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas
I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse
Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors
Now damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
And how can we seek salvation when our nations race relations
Got me feeling guilty of being white
But faith in human nature, our creator and our savior, I'm no saint
But I believe in what is right
Stop pointing fingers and take some blame,
Pull your future away from the flame
Open up your mind and start to live
Stop short changing your neighbors,
Living off hand outs and favors, and maybe
Give a little bit more than you got to give
Simplify, testify, identify, rectify
And if I get high stop being so uptight
It's only human nature and I am not a stranger
So baby won't you stay with me tonight
Sometimes I really wonder about life that never happens. There are lots of opportunities for life to begin and most of the time, it doesn't. What happens to those souls and personalities? Did they just never exist? Is our soul really just our hurt and pain and love and happiness that's built up inside of us?
I wish I could be the me I think I am inside and not the me that comes out when I open my mouth.
I say things and don't even know why.
I only feel like the me I really am when I'm writing, listening to music, feeling really inspired.
It makes me wish I never had to speak or communicate with other people and just be permanently introspective. I'm not sure where that part of me comes from.
I think most people would say I have a pretty strong personality and that I can be obnoxious and in your face but...that doesn't feel like the me I know.
I'm quiet and observant and absorbent. I don't know if that's the real me though, or just the scared kid who paid attention so I could fix what was going wrong. Do I notice things about people because I spent so long trying to take care of my mother? Maybe I'm just hyper aware because of self preservation purposes. If I don't know how my mother is feeling, how will I know if she's sad?
I wonder if I'd be someone I'd consider shallow if I hadn't had the experiences that I have in my life. I always thought I'd take the pain away and be normal if I could but I always wonder where that would leave me. Maybe better off.
I've never understood people who wore their problems on their sleeve, creating them and comparing them to find out whose was worse. I knew someone in particular who made their personality out of it. I know my problems were bad. I'm not proud of them. I don't think I've ever wanted to be admired or envied for the terrible things that have happened to me. I don't want to get into an argument with someone over who has had the worst thing happen to them. I am ashamed of what I went through. The person it seems they're trying to be respected for being...I just want to forget about.
I feel like the right thing to do with my life is to dedicate it to making other people's better. I just wish I knew the best and most effective way to do it. There are homeless people in the city I wish I could give shelter to, there are poor hungry homeless pets starving everywhere, there are poor kids who don't even know that there's an entire world out there...and that's just in my city. I know there are people who have it much worse in other countries, on a level that doesn't even compare to the things I see everyday.
And my life is just perfect.
I have this nagging guilt because of it and I wonder why other people don't have it. I don't see how I am supposed to enjoy the things I have when I know the ridiculous lack of balance there is. I feel guilty that there is uneaten food sitting on my shelves and someone is hungry. It doesn't seem fair. I'm beginning to think more and more that it doesn't seem right to have a lot when others have none. I think no one should have more until everyone has some. I just wonder sometimes what a world like that would even be like, where no one is full when someone else is hungry and when no one is warm without making sure that everyone else is too. It seems like the most common sense thing to me, but I also see how completely unrealistic it is.
Regardless, I wish there was some easy answer someone could give me when I ask "how do I spend the rest of my life trying to make that happen?"
I honestly can't think of any other career or path in life that makes as much sense to take.
I work 9-5 and I hate it. I lie around doing nothing and I hate it. I just keep asking myself, isn't there supposed to be something I WANT to do with the rest of my life? How can I bother even getting up in the morning when I see no point? And the only answer I can give myself, the only option that seems to make basic common sense is everything I mentioned before: working towards that balance. Why on earth would I get up, drive my car to an office, buy clothes I'm 'supposed' to have, and sit at a desk all day doing literal meaningless crap? I am answering phones and making colored spreadsheets and organizing projects that someone seems to think matters and dozens of children died a horrible death. That sounds really dramatic I think but only because it IS really dramatic. It sounds ridiculous to me. I want to get on a plane, fly to a place where my help is needed and appreciated, and I want to roll up my sleeves and do whatever is necessary. What *ever*. I don't feel that dedicated to anything else in the world, I don't consider really anything else to even come close to mattering.
But regardless, this is reality and I have rent and bills to pay and I do have to get up and put on nice pants that I paid 80 bucks for and go to work and push papers around. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING REAL WITH MY LIFE. THIS IS MY LIFE. I only get one heart and one set of lungs and two feet and I only get to breathe in and out for an indefinite period of time until I have to stop, for whatever reason. I can't stand wasting any of that one more day...but I guess I do anyway. I guess I'll keep asking myself what the answer is until I can give myself some kind of adequate response. Maybe one day I'll get the chance to just jump in and get my hands dirty and dig away trying to make as big of an impact as I can until I can't anymore. Until then, I suppose I'll just look for the little opportunities I get everyday to do what I can
