LizzaeMcLiz

Most Trusted Name In News

2007-12-19T20:43:00.000-08:00

Please god someone look at this and tell me what's wrong with this picture. CNN. The most trusted name in news. Ok.

I am including the same picture with a FEW hints

Adrenaline Rush

2007-12-17T09:29:00.000-08:00

I had a job interview today at Loyola College. I was making a left to get back onto St Paul. If you're familiar with the area, the roads get weird where the city basically ends and the big mansion neighborhoods begin. My interview was at 11, it was 10:50 and I was about 5 minutes away so I was going preeeetty quickly. As soon as my light turned green, I zoomed right through and made my left. Suddenly, in the read view mirrow, I see cars slam together and hear a loud SCREEEEEECH BOOM. I saw cars going everywhere and basically made the decision to stop, and throw my car into reverse. I was going so fast I almost lost control of my car, which was dumb but I think it was mostly the adrenaline. I jumped out of the car and started running up to people to make sure they were ok. Someone had run the red light, when we had the green light, and had hit the car behind mine pretty head one. There was a woman driving and her car spun out of control and hit a pole. The man who ran the red light got out and started hobbling around so I could tell he was mostly ok. I ran to the next car that was hit and there was a woman screaming MY BABY and her air bags had deflated and there was a screaming baby on the backseat. I said 'it's ok, your baby's ok' and after looking her over and seeing she seemed ok, i unbuckled the car sear and pulled the baby, in her seat, towards the door. The fumes from the airbag were in the air and someone said we needed to get her out of her car and somewhere with fresh air. I noticed the baby had blood in its mouth and I got worried but it looked like she'd just bitten her lip when the car was hit. I'm not sure how baby whip-lash works or if this baby had it but after I picked her up and started talking to her and she saw her mother, she stopped crying. The woman sat in a bystanders car and I handed her her little girl and her phone so she could call her fiance. At this point, cops and ambulances and fire trucks were showing up and I was just trying to take it all in. I called Loyola and they said to just take care of what I needed to and give them a call. The wife of the man who ran the red light showed up, he didnt speak much of any english at all, and she started interrogating me about what happened. I tried to tell her we had a green light and he didnt but he insisted he did. I told them I didnt know, maybe there was a problem with the light. After giving the police my information, I left. I called Loyola and they asked me to come back tomorrow at 3:30. I really hope this doesn't effect my chances of getting the job, heh, but who would seriously just keep going? And it's a Jesuit University. Hopefully they'll be understanding. Sigh. What an adrenaline rush.

2007-12-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

I am house sitting again this year, while my parents are on vacation. I bought a trampoline last night, gonna put that up. I hope my dad lets me keep it but the odds are pretty slim. Only 30 bucks though. I heard this kid rock song and I actually kind of like it

It's another night in hell
Another child won't live to tell
Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death?

And as we sit free and well
Another soldier has to yell
Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath
C'mon now amen

Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas
I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse
Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors
Now damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
And how can we seek salvation when our nations race relations
Got me feeling guilty of being white

But faith in human nature, our creator and our savior, I'm no saint
But I believe in what is right

Stop pointing fingers and take some blame,
Pull your future away from the flame
Open up your mind and start to live

Stop short changing your neighbors,
Living off hand outs and favors, and maybe
Give a little bit more than you got to give

Simplify, testify, identify, rectify
And if I get high stop being so uptight
It's only human nature and I am not a stranger
So baby won't you stay with me tonight

Sometimes I really wonder about life that never happens. There are lots of opportunities for life to begin and most of the time, it doesn't. What happens to those souls and personalities? Did they just never exist? Is our soul really just our hurt and pain and love and happiness that's built up inside of us?

I wish I could be the me I think I am inside and not the me that comes out when I open my mouth.
I say things and don't even know why.
I only feel like the me I really am when I'm writing, listening to music, feeling really inspired.
It makes me wish I never had to speak or communicate with other people and just be permanently introspective. I'm not sure where that part of me comes from.
I think most people would say I have a pretty strong personality and that I can be obnoxious and in your face but...that doesn't feel like the me I know.
I'm quiet and observant and absorbent. I don't know if that's the real me though, or just the scared kid who paid attention so I could fix what was going wrong. Do I notice things about people because I spent so long trying to take care of my mother? Maybe I'm just hyper aware because of self preservation purposes. If I don't know how my mother is feeling, how will I know if she's sad?

I wonder if I'd be someone I'd consider shallow if I hadn't had the experiences that I have in my life. I always thought I'd take the pain away and be normal if I could but I always wonder where that would leave me. Maybe better off.

I've never understood people who wore their problems on their sleeve, creating them and comparing them to find out whose was worse. I knew someone in particular who made their personality out of it. I know my problems were bad. I'm not proud of them. I don't think I've ever wanted to be admired or envied for the terrible things that have happened to me. I don't want to get into an argument with someone over who has had the worst thing happen to them. I am ashamed of what I went through. The person it seems they're trying to be respected for being...I just want to forget about.

I feel like the right thing to do with my life is to dedicate it to making other people's better. I just wish I knew the best and most effective way to do it. There are homeless people in the city I wish I could give shelter to, there are poor hungry homeless pets starving everywhere, there are poor kids who don't even know that there's an entire world out there...and that's just in my city. I know there are people who have it much worse in other countries, on a level that doesn't even compare to the things I see everyday.
And my life is just perfect.
I have this nagging guilt because of it and I wonder why other people don't have it. I don't see how I am supposed to enjoy the things I have when I know the ridiculous lack of balance there is. I feel guilty that there is uneaten food sitting on my shelves and someone is hungry. It doesn't seem fair. I'm beginning to think more and more that it doesn't seem right to have a lot when others have none. I think no one should have more until everyone has some. I just wonder sometimes what a world like that would even be like, where no one is full when someone else is hungry and when no one is warm without making sure that everyone else is too. It seems like the most common sense thing to me, but I also see how completely unrealistic it is.
Regardless, I wish there was some easy answer someone could give me when I ask "how do I spend the rest of my life trying to make that happen?"
I honestly can't think of any other career or path in life that makes as much sense to take.
I work 9-5 and I hate it. I lie around doing nothing and I hate it. I just keep asking myself, isn't there supposed to be something I WANT to do with the rest of my life? How can I bother even getting up in the morning when I see no point? And the only answer I can give myself, the only option that seems to make basic common sense is everything I mentioned before: working towards that balance. Why on earth would I get up, drive my car to an office, buy clothes I'm 'supposed' to have, and sit at a desk all day doing literal meaningless crap? I am answering phones and making colored spreadsheets and organizing projects that someone seems to think matters and dozens of children died a horrible death. That sounds really dramatic I think but only because it IS really dramatic. It sounds ridiculous to me. I want to get on a plane, fly to a place where my help is needed and appreciated, and I want to roll up my sleeves and do whatever is necessary. What *ever*. I don't feel that dedicated to anything else in the world, I don't consider really anything else to even come close to mattering.
But regardless, this is reality and I have rent and bills to pay and I do have to get up and put on nice pants that I paid 80 bucks for and go to work and push papers around. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING REAL WITH MY LIFE. THIS IS MY LIFE. I only get one heart and one set of lungs and two feet and I only get to breathe in and out for an indefinite period of time until I have to stop, for whatever reason. I can't stand wasting any of that one more day...but I guess I do anyway. I guess I'll keep asking myself what the answer is until I can give myself some kind of adequate response. Maybe one day I'll get the chance to just jump in and get my hands dirty and dig away trying to make as big of an impact as I can until I can't anymore. Until then, I suppose I'll just look for the little opportunities I get everyday to do what I can

2007-11-20T12:45:00.000-08:00

Hello again, world.

I heard some interesting news the other day about someone who I would not exactly call my friend.
It made me want to do and say something but I know there's really just no point. Besides, some things are better left alone I suppose and some people are better off.

I have this desire to just observe without being a part of. It might sound strange, it does to me anyway, but I think I notice things about people that people don't want noticed. I think that's why I don't communicate well with most people.

I am trying to find a place in society that I fit into. I don't feel comfortable working 9-5, I don't feel comfortable making minimum wage or just above it, and I have serious trouble succeeding in a classroom environment. Where does that leave me? Really rich or really poor? I feel like there are a lot of people from my generation who are finding themselves feeling this way. They've been told by their middle class working parents that they have every opportunity available to do anything they want with their lives. Most parents aren't very good at instilling the work ethic that requires though. All you end up with is a bunch of white kids who think they're took good for manual labor and are too bored/unmotivated for a white collar desk job. I feel like I could write a book about it. I think I'd call it Middle Class Suburban Wasteland and it will be about what happens to kids like that and why they ended up that way.

I am very interested in sociology but am too lazy and unmotivated to get a degree in it. I also feel like it would be worthless and I couldn't do what I wanted with it anyway. Where does that leave me? Nowhere. I feel this way about almost everything in my life. Hm, I guess the answer is to just do it anyway. Excuses, excuses.

I was walking down the street on Lexington Ave to get to my car and a gentleman said to me, 'Keep it tight baby'. That was it, he kept going. I'm not sure what it meant specifically, I'd like to think it was a compliment.

I think most people are happiest when they realize the way the world works and they start playing along. I also think some people are better at the game than most, but some are also very bad. I suppose that's a reason to just be happy with what you have.

I need to read more and listen to more music.

I just don't know.
I keep thinking more and more about it but still, I don't know.
I'm getting better anyway. I think
I used to tell myself that I was a 'work in progress' whenever I felt like my efforts to change weren't working. Just one step at a time. It's funny how once the stress was gone, my urgency to work on myself was gone too. They should really bottle that stuff.

I miss my old job a lot. It is most likely because I haven't found anything 'better'. Apparently there was a rumor going around the office that I work at a grocery store now. Haha. I guess it's not that funny but I'm sure they enjoyed it. I miss the easyness of it and yet that was my main problem with it as well. You don't know what you've got til it's gone I guess but I don't really believe that. I think perspectives just change. Now that the Holidays are here, it makes me miss it more though. There's something about being around a lot of people you know during that time. I have a pretty small family.

I find it odd that I probably have the shortest attention span of anyone I know but whenever I see a small window with a beautiful view, I just want to sit in it and stare out at it. I could do that forever. I did it on the cruise and I listened to my IPod and it was wonderful.

I still miss Pat sometimes. I don't know how we'd ever be friends though. I remember a lot of the anger at the end and my obliviousness to myself. I have a very good boyfriend now though. We bicker a lot! And sometimes he can be so annoying but so can I. And he cares about me and cooks for me and takes care of me when I'm sad/sick and that's what really matters. And I just don't want to hurt him because I've never been with such a trustworthy selfless person before. Life is pretty good on that front I suppose. In fact, I need to go pick him up at work.

I think it's important to note the fluctuation in the problems in life. Sometimes a problem seems so immediate and life threatening but when I think about it....money is still a nuisance, nothing new. My family is still crazy, nothing new there either. I still have little education and career direction. I guess I just have to keep hacking away at those things and happiness will get here eventually.

I wish I could do nothing but positive things with my life. I wish I could immerse myself somewhere that my basic skills are needed and just use them and be happy doing it. Why is that as hard to do as it is? Reasonable logical reasons I'm sure.

One day anyway.

2007-10-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

I got a flat tire!

I was told by someone that i'm in an existentialist funk. Maybe.

I think i've done one stupid think after the other, because I seem to think I can temporarily freeze reality by telling myself I don't care about the outcome of my action.
That used to work but doesn't seem to fly now.
Ugh.
Stupid stupid Liz.
Stupid Liz.
I miss my old job buuuut that's done.
I am in the process of TRYING to find a job that doesn't make me want to blow my brains out.
I guess I should just tell myself it's only temporary until I find something better.
Nothing says the job I take now is one I have to do for more than a month, really.
Well, that helps.

I am beginning to think my childhood is affecting me right now a lot more than before. Perhaps because I'm only really now out of it, or perhaps because I'm making excuses for myself. I hope it isn't really the latter. I just don't know how to deal with my new serious adult roles and decisions. I find myself getting tired of my responsibility and wanting to abandon it for doing nothing. Just like when I was in middle, high school, college. I failed so bad at Educate. I got tired and lazy and I guess I took advantage but I did make sure I always did my work and did it well. I guess I don't see the harm in my actions and hoped because we were 'friends' and got along, he'd be more understanding. Maybe I was just being stupid, again. Ugh.
I keep having the same dreams again. Not fun. I have the next 2 days off, sort of, really only Friday because tomorrow is errands city. Drug test(haha), driving to Bel Air, some other stuff, I'm too tired to think anymore. Right, walking Skip in the morn and eve. I don't mind that so much but it would be nice if it were just once a day

2007-10-09T06:11:00.001-07:00

I'm scared.
I'm also angry that I'm scared.
I feel betrayed but mostly by my own compass.
I'm not entirely sure what the plan is right now. I want to lay around and do nothing for the entire rest of my entire life. I'm not sure what that means. Am I depressed? I don't feel depressed, I feel disappointed.
Am I at all really surprised about how things have turned out? I guess I am, somewhat.

Mostly I am just very...
I feel empty in a way, except for the rock at the pit of my stomach.

I also feel a tiny little bit of cautious hope, but it's immediately squashed by fear and worry and dread and anxiety and "oh my god what the hell am I going to do now".

Sigh. I'm going home.

2007-08-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

When you get the time
Sit down and write me a letter
When you're feeling better
Drop me a line

I wanna know how it all works out
I had a feeling we were fading out
I didn't know that people faded out so fast
And that people faded out
When there was love enough left to fix it

But, there it is
There it is, we are only one push from the nest
There it is, the sun rises
But the sun also sets

I wanna show you what i've got inside
But you know those parts of me died
Just like that, they faded out
They faded out so fast

And there was love enough left to fix it
But, there it is
There it is, we are only one shove from the nest
There it is, we are only one argument from deaf
There it is, we are only one moment from death

The sun rises
But the sun also sets.

2007-05-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

This site has changed a lot since the last time I used it. Weird

It's been a long time since I've written out any of my thoughts. I guess I haven't had a lot to say.
Or maybe I haven't felt like telling strangers about my life.

It's weird to think that for years and years I just always assumed I'd be a writer. Whatever I did for a living, it would involve some kind of writing. I thought it was the only thing I was good at I guess.

I have a lot of things going on right now. With work, and moving, and relationships, life is busy and complicated. It isn't very boring at all. That's good though, because being bored is probably my least favorite thing of all.

I don't do a lot of the things anymore that I used to do that defined me. I don't listen to lots of music, I don't really write...

I guess I was sort of defined by being unhappy and I'm not unhappy anymore. It would make sense then I guess that I don't do those things anymore. It isn't bad to not be defined by the things that represented your misery.

What am I doing with my life...
I'm going to school part time at night.
I get up and go to work everyday, trying to keep as much of the future in perspective as I can.

I worry I'm still a frightened and skiddish 13 year old girl who will choose the selfish thing over the responsible thing.

I have to remember that there's a difference between Happiness and Pleasure.

Happiness and Pleasure.

Do I want a tattoo?
I've been trying to decide if I want a tattoo. There's something sexy and alluring about them but at the same time, there's something trashy and horribly permanent about them too.

I don't want to settle...
I'm moving into an apartment that I think really suits me. It has an old fireplace! And high ceilings! And it's in the most beautiful old row home I've ever seen. I hope I can stay afloat financially. I feel half way on the cusp of being an adult and half way like I'm doing a convincing job of faking it.

It's very easy to love doing something so much that you become consumed by it and forget completely why you loved doing it in the first place. It's possible for it to just become a subconscious pattern that makes you feel safe rather than happy. What's the point in that? It's just depressing.

I bought 2 hermit crabs at the beach. I was never allowed to have one as a kid, even though I always wanted one, but I don't think that's why I got them. They're cuter and more fun than I thought they'd be too. It's been fun giving them an awesome house.

Oh, and I killed a bird on the way home from the beach this weekend. It flew too low and a car hit it and then it ran into my car trying to get away. I pulled over and cried and then tried to see if I could find it. I don't care if that sounds insane, by the way. I just kept thinking it was doing perfectly fine flying in the sky and BAM a car hit it. I thought it could have just been laying on the side of the road, slowly and painfully dying. The poor bird. I'm sure it never hurt anyone. Stupid humans.

Is wanting something you can't have a personality trait or is it possible to grow out of? I am tired of the things I don't want being the most appealing things.

I fear getting stuck in a rut. Of not realizing im settling until I've already settled and then it's too difficult or bothersome to get out of. My lethargy and lack of drive are my worst enemies. I wish I had an insane amount of drive and ambition. Intelligence is very useful in the world but drive and ambition are more important. Usually. I think anyway.
You can fake almost anything but those things.

Sometimes I just want to start over. Starting over allows you to clean the slate and start fresh but I realized that can be as counterproductive as it is productive. If you keep wiping away the slate, you'll never build any kind of foundation. You'll never have anything solid that you can trust fully. Maybe if you feel the need for a fresh start enough times, it's time to realize the problem isn't the environment but the person.

Moby has some really good songs and some really shitty ones too. The speed racer remix...it either completely sucks or has a quality that is only detectable to people on acid. On the other hand, One Of These Mornings is amazing.

I have insanely weird dreams at night.
I wish I could describe them but I can't.

I think there are a lot of things that are tangible that you can say make a person an adult but I think the biggest definition of what makes someone an adult is their attitude. Will I sit here and argue with this person because I know they're wrong or will I go fix the problem myself? Will I get this done, even though I don't want to, because someone is going to have to do it and there's no reason it shouldn't be me? It's when you stop picking the lazy easy thing and start doing the responsible thing that makes the most sense.
Easier said than done, for sure.

Will I stop blaming the things in the past for the reason I won't do anything with my life...or will I just do something with my life?

It's too bad ambition and drive aren't more like a light switch, to just be turned on.
It's something that has to be worked at and maintained or it just withers away.

I think it's somewhat unfair about drugs.
Life can be a pretty miserable thing, I don't think a lot of people would disagree. You have to often work hard to notice the positives, you have to deal with a lot of crap to reap the benefits. Drugs, however, can make you feel good instantly. There's no work involved, there's nothing difficult or gray about it. When you snort cocaine, you feel as if you can conquer the world. There are no promotions or bills or boyfriends. It's just feeling and emotion.
However, if all you do is snort cocaine, your life will fall apart. You can't feel good all of the time. You have to go to work and suck it up, you have to come home and deal with the ups and downs of your relationships. You have to be miserable before you can be happy. There's this weird ying-yang that exists in the world that is, in my opinion, rather unfair.
You can take most drug addicts as an example or ask anyone who knows anything about the subject but they'll generally tell you that all the pleasure you get from taking those drugs is really only just destroying you. Besides the obvious in-your-face examples of losing jobs and relationships, your brain doesn't *want* to experience pleasure all of the time. It gets lazy and lethargic at best and breaks down and dies at worst.

Why can't I drop acid all day and be as oblivious to the pain of the real world as I want to be? Why do I *have* to experience unhappiness to experience happiness?
I really would like to know who made these rules. Nature? Weird to think about.
I guess its just one of those philosophical things you'll never know and just won't ever make complete sense.

sleep walking through the all-nite drugstore
baptized in flourescent light
i found religion in the greeting card aisle
now i know hallmark was right

and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking to me
yeah, art may imitate life
but life imitates t.v.

'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and let's just say that things look different now
different in so many ways

i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else

if i was dressed in my best defenses
would you agree to meet me for coffee
if i did my tricks with smoke and mirrors
would you still know which one was me

if i was naked and screaming on your front lawn
would you turn on the light and come down
screaming " there's the asshole who did this to me
stripped me of my power
stripped me down"

and now i'm a different person
different in so many ways
tell me what did you like about me
don't say my strength and daring
'cuz now i think i'm at your mercy
and it's my first time for this kind of thing

cause,
i used to be a superhero
i would swoop down and save me from myself
and,
you are like a phone booth that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
i am worse than everybody else

Fuck You

2007-01-19T18:05:00.000-08:00

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you

i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really your type
but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

The First Day Of My Life

2006-12-25T16:51:00.000-08:00

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I know you especially are slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care
I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see

But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different

Pictures!

2006-12-24T07:09:00.000-08:00

Me Kim and Laur on Deck at Port Canaveral

Me and Kim enjoying our hat in the Orlando Hotel

Kevin and Mac getting ready to snorkel!

I love champagne!

Aw, Dan fell asleep.

Being a Gingerbread Land Monster

In the casino, playing slots!

Laur as the Gingerbread Land Monster

Laur made four bucks at the casino!

Taking the shuttle to the liquor store, yum!

Laur and Mac on the beach at Half Moon Cay

Laur and Mac sunning on the beach.

Some other ship at Port Canaveral. Bye bye USA!

Beautiful view from Port Canaveral

Everyone must know how to wear their safety vest. ESPECIALLY Mac.

Waiting to go Snorkel. We're so pale!

Kim and Laur on the beach

Laur enjoying the delicious food on the Carnival Elation

Walking down the hallway at the Sheraton in Orlando

Me over the deck at port!

Putt putt on board.

Kim as the Gingerbread Land Monster

Kim and Laur in the Molson hat

Kim and Laur in the Molson hat again.

Kim over the deck at Port

Kim playing the slots

The Lobby of the elation

Towel animals!

The beach at Turks

The shuttle boat to Half Moon Cay

Kim as the gingerbread monster

Hotels in the bahamas

Getting on the boat!

The cruise ships at the bahamas

The Slide on the elation

The tail of our boat

Pretty houses in the bahamas

Everyone going snorkeling!

2006-12-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

I just woke up from a wonderful nap

I got back from my week long vacation this evening. The boat docked at 7, we disembarked around 8, got to the airport around 9 aaaaand our flight was at 1:50. We illegally shuttled to a Hooters, had lunch to pass the time, and made it back for our flight. I obviously survived. Braving the airport and the parking lot was easier than expected, and yet still amazingly difficult, and after dropping off people I FINALLY made it home.
Vacations are great but there's something especially wonderful about coming home after a long one. I didn't bother unpacking, I just talked to my mother and passed out.
The cruise was insane and fun. The islands were beautiful, everything was so peaceful and relaxing, and I got sun without burning! Thank God for sunscreen.
I got the experience of being treated differently because im a girl, in a bad way, in the Bahamas.
Oh and I had the worst nightmare ever on the boat. It was literally the worst nightmare I'd ever had. I woke up in a cold sweat at 5am and just got out of the room, got some tea, and watched the sunrise. It was a good way to recover from a bad dream but waking up at 5am on a cruise ship is pretty damn creepy itself. Especially when you don't see one other person and everything on the boat is swaying slowly back and forth. A little surreal.
Nassau was definitely my favorite stop. The other two were really just beautiful beaches and bars. I did lots of shopping, but mostly for others.
I'll post pictures later!

It's Christmas Eve. I'm supposed to wrap presents from now until Christmas, which isn't until like 3pm on Monday. Fun fun!
Happy Holidays

2006-12-17T19:16:00.000-08:00

What is with me lately?

Scrubs Logic

2006-12-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

"Nothing in this world worth having is easy."

In watching the most depressing episode of Scrubs I've ever seen...
I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel about everything.
I've been having weird dreams.
I had a dream last night that I could fly and I was had to make it all the way over the entire Inner Harbor or I'd fall in and drown, but it was night time and freezing cold and the water was endess and pitch black and very scary. I think I may have woken up before I ever made it all the way over.
I feel like about 75% of my life has fallen into place, which probably isn't an accurate number but as long as it feels accurate...
I've found myself being happy all the time. I have nothing to be sad about. I have things I can be annoyed about, or there are things I need to buck up and work on but...life seems to be going indefinitely well. I hope that won't put some kind of jinx on things.
Even the things that I think I normally could have found sad or depressing don't seem like that big of a deal anymore.
While I said I miss being in a relationship, I don't think I'm interested in one currently. I have been finding I like myself much more than most people after any extended amount of time. People tend to continually and without fail, disappoint.
I miss you...but I only miss the good things. I haven't forgotten the bad and it makes the good bittersweet but...I can't stop.
I've tried. I keep trying. I think it might be getting easier, but then again, I could be wrong.
I go on a Cruise in one week. I fly out Sunday so actually, probably less than a week. I keep forgetting about it and in fact only just remembered. Another thing to be super excited about! School is over, I don't think I did half bad, break is here, I get to work more(!), winter and Christmas are coming, I'm going on a cruise. What is there to be sad about?
It's cold outside today but sunny.
Dan's married. Wes said something about "Dan's wife" and I subconsciously corrected him. I said "fiance". Wes looked at me and said "No, wife." And then I realized what I said and we laughed about it but it was a little unnerving. Damn subconscious.
It's too bad I'm not seeing Ray LaMontagne when he comes to town. It's a shame people can be so utterly ridiculous despite everything and be so completely exactly typical. So disappointing.

Gomez!

2006-12-07T02:26:00.001-08:00

Everyone should go to this website, watch this video, and fall in love with this band/video like I did!

http://www.contactmusic.com/new/home.nsf/webpages/gomezx15x08x06

Day to day
Where do you want to be?
'Cos now you're trying to pick a fight
With everyone you need

You seem like a soldier
Who's lost his composure
You're wounded and playing a waiting game
In no-man's land no-one's to blame

Empty handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance
Besides a shadow of a dream

You sound like an old joke
You want out, a bit broke
An' askin me time and time again
And the answer's still the same

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you earned

You've got a chance to put things right
So how's it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay

See the world....

Gomez!

2006-12-07T02:26:00.000-08:00

2006-12-01T11:48:00.000-08:00

"Whoever strives in ceaseless toil, Him we may grant redemption"

2006-11-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

I definitely have a lot of things to say, but not quite as many things to write.

Gone Away From Me

2006-11-11T14:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just have to keep telling yourself the same thing, over and over again.

For a while I sat there staring at his photograph
For a while I cried and tried not to make a scene
There was a time when we were young I used to make him laugh
But life is long and my love has gone away from me

Lately I can't seem to find myself no sleep at all
Lately I just lie awake and hear and dream

Yesterday is gone
Yesterday is dead
Get it through your head and walk away
Yesterday is gone
Ain't no use hanging on to his memory
It only causes you pain

2006-11-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

It's always as dull as you think it will be and never as exciting

2006-11-05T18:04:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday night. I actually did something this weekend! I cleaned my room and bathroom. I didn't lay around like a sloth, harvesting energy for the week ahead. I did a lot of that but tonight I also cleaned.

I hate money but I love having it. I guess I just hate not having money. I hate being so materialistic. And I'm not even *that* materialistic. But I do love stuff.

I am sick! I have a throat/infection/congestion thing. I'm not really that sick, but yesterday I got so congested, I had the worst headache. Besides that, I just have this gross cough thing going on. Looks like I'll be going to work tomorrow!

Dan's getting married in December then going on his honeymoon. No boss for a week or so? I should be excited! Right?

I miss being in a relationship. Not that I've been in a real relationship since high school but I miss the fun I had in that one. Shopping together for Christmas, seeing each other on the Holidays, the snow and hot chocolate...I miss that stupid stuff, but mostly because it's holiday season.

I'm going on a cruise! I need to start going to the gym more regularly.

I finally found a concert I actually feel like going to and surprise, it's sold out. Unless I want to pay 300 bucks and buy some on ebay that is.

My mother isn't cooking Thanksgiving this year (we're going out to eat somewhere nice apparently) and she's working on Christmas. My family suuuuuucks.

I go to the stupidest school ever created, but I THINK I have two A's. My Sociology put my paper, and only my paper, up on our class website so everyone can reference it when writing their paper. That felt good. My speech teacher still drives me INSANE. Oh well. Just gotta keep trudging through it.

Corny country music makes it easier.

I will marry Ray Lamontagne (or someone very similar to him)

2006-11-03T07:05:00.000-08:00

Yes'n I try to ignore
All this blood on the floor
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding
Oh don't walk away
You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain
Saying "the love that we had was just selfish and sad"

To see you now with her is just making me mad
Oh so kiss her again just to prove to me that you can an
I will stand here and burn in my skin

Shelter

2006-10-31T09:40:00.000-08:00

I guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give I'll give to you

It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay, but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
As though it was an easy thing to do

You left me heartbroken
But not until those very words were spoken
Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you

It's hard to believe it Even as my eyes do see it
The very things that make you live
Are killing me

Listen
When all of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you

Cruise!

2006-10-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

I have been busy. And stressed. Henry had to go into the hospital after ingesting poison. He had chemical burns in his throat and mouth. He was there for three days (or $900). He came home yesterday and he's starting to eat again but he makes the most awful croaking noise when he tries to meow, I still have to give him water with a syringe, and he's on 4 different medications but he's alive! And still cute :) He also has some staples in him we have to get taken out, from the pain patch, and a bunch of bald spots where they had to shave him to give him iv's. I didn't know you could get blood work and oxygen for a cat but apparently you can.

I spent last weekend in Chicago, which was fun. Aaron and I had an interesting encounter at the sex/head shop. And then just the head shop. We ordered brick oven Painful pizza from this place and it was the best pizza I've ever had. Well, tied with buffalo pizza from Hopkins Deli. Mmmm

My parents are going away this weekend and again in December. I HATE being home alone, its really scary. I guess that's why they make alarm systems.

I'm going on a cruise in December! A cruise! I am soooo excited. The bahamas, turks, caico islands. Heard of one of those places. Hopefully I'll get a tan and get to relax and have fun with my friends. Can't wait.

It's Saturday. I could go to a Halloween party tonight but I think I might stay in and do homework and relax. I had a very long week. I need to relax.

2006-10-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

Stupid life actualizations.

If I kiss you where it's sore, will you feel better? Will you feel anything at all?

2006-10-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

This Friday I have a flight out of BWI to O'Hare in Chicago. I can't wait, I'm so excited, it's going to be so much fun! And Aaron's foot works so yay, even better!

I was in a car accident on Friday. I was going down Pratt, going about 35-40 in the far right lane on a one way street and a guy pulls out of a side street right into the side of my car. He was clearly at fault and we pulled off, called a cop, exchanged info. I called Dan and he walked down with Lisa to wait with me. Very nice of both of them.

Anyway, I left that night for Penn state. Spent Friday at Roi's, Saturday at Chris' and then drove home Sunday. The whole weekend my back was killing me. My back is still killing me. If it still hurts Wednesday I'm going to Patient First and seeing a doctor. I am too young to be having back problems and I most definitely surely positively do not want to be one of those people who has back issues. I want to be healthy foreverrrr.

Penn State was fun but not entirely eventful. Unfortunately and disappointingly. There's always the next time I visit, whenever that may be.

Work hasn't been very demanding, just very boring, and school isn't too hard but getting slightly more involved and I'm getting into a winter funk.

I have never been one to like sleeping next to someone in bed, or cuddling. I've always liked my own space, and preferably my own bed but lately...I miss that feeling. That perfect position where you're comfortable enough to fall asleep and still be wrapped up in someone.

Sigh

vindicated

2006-10-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
So clear

If I wrote you a symphony, Just to say how much you mean to me If I told you you were beautiful Would you date me on the regular?

2006-10-04T17:04:00.001-07:00

Sigh. I have a test tomorrow and I should be studying. I don't think it will be hard though but I should prepare regardless, right?

It's been forever since I've written on here. I guess I decided I didn't feel like sharing anymore. Which is probably healthy. I've been busy. I've been working. I work 35ish hours a week and go to school part time. I'm taking two classes: sociology and speech 101. Both simple, easy classes. I officially have a title at work. I am the Sales Operations Support Specialist. Dan is Manager, Sales Operations. I know what my title means but it doesn't really mean anything. I feel stupid saying it. At least before I could say personal assistant. Oh well. It sounds fancy. I do a lot of really random stuff. Today I got in around 9, looked up information in a database and created a spreadsheet and recorded the information I needed from the database. Then my boss boss asked me to organize "collateral" which apparently means marketing materials, and find out other necessary information for a conference next week in Georgia, I met with someone else to go over the Marketing ordering system that I'm now in charge of. How to order, track, etc. These three things took up the majority of my day. I also had lunch with Wes, who came to little italy to see me. My job is random but it's interesting and it makes me feel important. It's pretty sad that the main reason I keep this job is because it makes me feel important. Well I suppose that's not true. There's the money and secret reason number three.

It's winter time almost. Well, fall. Winter reminds me of Pat, for obvious reasons. I miss Pat. I was driving in my car yesterday, thinking about how winter reminds me of Pat, and I thought "if he were here, I think i'd want to hug him". Which may sound like a weird thought, but I think he'd understand why it isnt. I just felt like leaning into someone I trust and who I know won't hurt me. Oh well. I am sans Pat. It's all me this winter. And I'm happy. I am happier now for a longer period of time than I think I can ever remember being in my life. I am very busy but with things that are good for me, and so I feel good as a result. I don't have a lot of time to exercise but I've been eating better.

Work is exhausting and I feel like screaming "what the hell have I gotten myself into" a few dozen times a day. I feel so young and naive and self conscious at work. I feel like I'm stuck in a weird limbo where I'm living the life of an adult at work and the life of a teenager outside work. I am simultaneously extremely irresponsible and responsible. It makes my head spin sometimes. Regardless, i love my job right now. Just not for any reason anyone probably knows.

Being single isn't hard, and I know it's what's best for me...but there are definitely times where I don't like it. The other night I was at Laur's party, drinking. I got to that point where I was coming down from being drunk and I was ready to go home. Then I started thinking about when I lived in Baltimore and I'd go to a party with Dave or Raaid and at the end, I knew I was going home to fall asleep next to someone I really wanted to be with. I wasn't going home alone or crashing on someones couch or whatever. It was just a feeling I guess, it's hard to describe, but I missed it so much right then that it made me sad. I guess that's another reason I don't drink much anymore. Sometimes I just miss it. I hate wanting something I can't have. jfdjhy

That's life.

Radio Head

2006-10-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

We think the same things
At the same time
But we can't do anything about it.

2006-09-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

If you're upset/disappointed about something that you can't control or something that you can't have, isn't it pointless and shouldn't you suck it up and stop caring?

Regina Spektor

2006-09-18T19:01:00.001-07:00

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind
All these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me
So sweet and so soft

Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better

Fools in love

2006-09-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

Fools in love, well are there any other kinds of lovers?
Is there any other kind of pain?

Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?
Never knowing when they've lost the game

Fools in love they think they're heroes
'Cause they get to feel no pain
I say fools in love are zeros

I should know
Because this fool's in love again

Fools in love, gently hold each others hands forever
Fools in love, gently tear each other limb from limb
Nothing mean a thing except you and your baby Love
I should know
Because this fool's in love again

Salute to the Congressional Black Caucus and their Dedication to Education Reform

2006-09-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

Happy 21st To Me

2006-09-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

2006-08-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

Life ain't always beautiful

2006-08-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minuteI could see your face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

How to save a life

2006-08-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

(Oh-hi-O!)

As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Why

2006-07-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

Almost all of us start out the same. Healthy and normal and full of potential. And then life does things to us. Life does one thing or other to each one of us and it changes us. It forces us to make changes and to adapt and to be afraid and warry or open and loving. It teaches us to love our children or to hurt them. It teaches us right from wrong and then makes us choose one.

And it teaches us to hurt one another.

It teaches us to take our anger out on others, or to bottle it up inside and hurt ourselves instead.
It teaches us to love one another blindly, and to offer ourselves up to those we love in hopes that they will protect it.
It will teach you how to sew your heart back up anyway, when they don't, and to be happy again in spite of them.
It will show you how to be strong by making you weak.

We all start out the same and yet all of us want the same thing as the other, no matter what life can do to us, in the end. Life and then, food, shelter, and security. In that order. We all want the absolute basics that life has to offer and we go from there. One person may climb the corporate ladder to get there, and one person may work hard physical labor his or her whole life. In the end, they are after the same thing.

People who have will always find a way to imagine they deserve more and find a scheme to get it. This is the basis of human entitlement. Having makes us believe we deserve to have more. The man who works as a mechanic his whole life imagines a home of his own, a pool in his yard, and no responsibilities. Some people will tell you this man wants simple things and is a good simple man. The man who sits at a desk his whole life, entering data into a white screen, who can afford his own home and a pool in his backyard and the ability to delegate responsibility will eventually want more. He will want a bigger home and another for holidays. He will want a sauna and a pool and he will delegate the delegaters. He will want more.

They say that if your cup is too full it will spill over. But who's to say when your cup is really full? Who's to say how high your cup will fill before its completely full? How much is enough and how much is too much? Who makes these decisions?

No one.
That's the point.

Many people are born into this world and live in this society or that society, or lack of. No one really knows why they were born into this world, just what nature tells them as soon as they emerge. Live, eat, find shelter, find security. No one is born knowing why we have highways or governments or cars or McDonalds. Someone tells us why or we make our own decisions. Many people accept it and adapt around it. They don't know why they are on this earth, in this world, alive when so many others are not. What's more, many of us don't know why we get up each Monday morning at 8am, put on a suit, and go to work until 5, and then come home every evening. No one is asking themselves "why the fuck am I doing this god damn job that I hate everyday when I don't fucking want to".

Animals want to live, feed, shelter themselves and then secure themselves. Society is borne out of that necessity. Humans possess the only ability among humans to reason, speak a complex language, and achieve superior thought. Humans have the ability to continually mutate their way of receiving these basic needs because of all the amazing talents nature gave to them. Reason, language, intelligence. You can apply this thought all the way down the food chain, just like Darwin said. Survival of the species, applied to the entire food chain. They have succeeded where no other animal possibly ever could. They used their reasoning, language, and intelligence to bring them their basic needs in a constantly ever increasing way. With society. With indoor plumbing and hospitals and the internet, we have used our inherint traits to achieve our nature given needs.

Society, our Government, George Bush, Youtube, CNN, traffic lights, grocery stores, a toothbrush. These are nothing but tools.

When ever a basic desire is met, it is replaced with another desire. Uninhibited access to nourishment will make us gluttons. The homes we live in take away our need to seek out shelter. And through our homes, with weapons and security systems, we make ourselves secure. We have the freedom to want other things, because that is what humans do. We want more because we are entitled to it. If you are starving to death and dying of aids along side your children in Africa, all you want is food for you and your children. Medicine. A place to live. You just want your basic needs met. But once those needs are met, that woman will want more. She will want clothes for her children and herself, an education, her own shelter. That is simple human behavior. We want more. We are entitled to it. Therefore humans are, by nature, insatiable.

The billionaire living on his island in his mansion with every amenity afforded, will not stay happy for long. He will wonder, what is there for me in this life if I have all that I need and nothing to work for? What is the point of living if it's for nothing?

Are humans insatiable, are animals insatiable, because of their very basic need to live? And to survive? Do we want more, do we feel entitled to it, because we are unknowingly making ourselves safer and safer, in the only ways we know how? Through more life, more food, more shelter, and more security?

We all come into this world in the same way. And we don't know Why. Not one single person on this entire earth can claim to know the answer to Why. All any human being on this entire earth is doing is figure out their Why. The same is true for their parents and their parents parents and so on and so forth. Some people claim they know that their religion is Why. But no one can really prove that to you. They have faith in their why. Some people claim that science is why and they will show you how science is the Why. But they can't tell you why science is Why. They can only show you how. They can only have faith in their intelligence and what they feel is true.

Everyone starts out with their basic needs and when their nature given skills develop enough, they are told Why. They are told by their parents, and their governments, their schools, their peers. And when their reasoning becomes high enough, they will begin to form their own Why. And all of those things together gives each individual their own reason. Why am I getting up every day and getting dressed and going to this miserable job? Why am I fighting for my country, risking my life every day and killing strangers? They will formulate their reason for doing all of these things and they will pass this reason on to society in their own way.

Society thrives on Why and our Why will thrive on Society. Or doesn't

Society takes religion and science and makes it better or worse. Our religion and science will make our society stronger or it will make it weaker. Each will either increase or decrease our ability to use our nature given gifts to achieve our basic needs.

In point, no one knows why, they can only formulate their own. You have no more idea what you're doing down in the mail room than the guy 20 floors above you in his Corporate CEO office does. He's just figured out a smarter way to achieve his basic needs.

The two of you came into this world exactly the same. And you both want the exact same thing. Figuring out why, for yourself. You both will find your own way to meet your basic needs.

Yes, almost all of us start out the same. Healthy and normal and full of the potential to do what nature intended us to do. And, no matter what life does to us, how it changes us or what it turns us into it, the long term goal does not change. Adapted or afraid. Warry or open and loving. Whether we hurt our children or nurture them.

We will always, invariably, do what nature intended us to do.

Period.

Internet Vacation

2006-07-07T16:59:00.000-07:00

I am sick of the interent and have decided to go off the radar for awhile. If you'd like to reach me, you can call or email me.

2006-07-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

Some beach, somewhere

2006-06-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

Blargh. I hate that I have one of these things. I hate that I feel compelled to write in this thing.

Something happy...

I love sitting at my computer, drinking tea, being in my pjs, and listening to music. I feel like I'm in my niche and I'm happy. How do I expand that feeling? I miss feeling comfortable in my body. I don't necessarily want to be skinny so I can be attractive to other people (although that's always nice) but so I can be comfortable in my skin. I loved who I was when I felt fit and wasn't always wondering if I looked fat in something. Ever since I gained a few pounds, I've just felt kind of off. In order to expand my feeling of belonging and comfort I must: get into shape. Not necessarily get skinny or lose weight, just get into shape.

TOMORROW IM LEAVING FOR THE BEACH FOR A WEEK.
(ok maybe not one nearly as beautiful as this one)

Ideally that means: sleeping in, going to the beach all day, getting a tan, smoking and drinking with my friends, passing out and doing it every day for 7 straight days

What will probably happen: I will get up early, go to the beach, get hot, come back to the room, smoke in the AC'd room, take a nap, eat, go back to the beach, go to the pool, fight with my sister like we're 12 again, go out with friends and pass out and do that everyday for 7 straight days

Either way, I better get a fucking tan and some color in my cheeks. I look like a ghost.

My job is boring. I hope I don't forget to pack my books I want to read that I stole from Stacey (shh) for the beach. I hope I don't forget anything actually. I kind of want a nap.

TGI the weekend

2006-06-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

Sigh. I'm exhausted. Mentally exhausted. I've been thinking about a lot of things, going over a lot of things in my mind, trying to sort things out so that they make sense to me and so I can just stop analyzing them. I want to just tell myself I'm the victim so it's ok to just be sad and move on and let go. I don't know why I won't just let myself be the wronged person. It's a natual part of grief and yet I won't let myself have that. Everytime I think "maybe it's just his fault", I come up with ten reasons right away why it's actually my fault. I hate that I have to work against myself. Why doesn't my body just want to do what's right for me?

Sometimes I think about the things that have gone wrong in my life, that were out of my control, and it can be kind of overwhelming. I think about all of the work I need to do to catch up with all the emotionally stable people. It makes me angry and I want to say it isn't fair that I am starting off on an unfair playing field but I can usually make that thought go away if I tell myself so many people have much worse obstacles. But that doesn't make me any less angry that I don't have the self worth I deserve, or the social skills, or even the opportunities, and that I have this inclination to love boys who can't love me. What the hell am I so afraid of that normal people aren't? What don't I see that they do?

Whatever

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the days always feel so long,

And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say

So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating
Telling you that I've had it with you and your career,

Please come back home...
You know the place where you used to live,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just filling my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
I'm no longer debatin', Tired of sitting and hating and making these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here

2006-06-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

Right. So I got tired of looking at my last post. Not sure what to write. It's 12:34 a.m. and I should be sleeping because I have to be up at 7 but I would really rather continue doing what I'm doing right now. Which doesn't involve sleeping. I don't know why but I haven't been sleeping very well since I moved back home. I miss my old bed. I have the song Rocketman by Elton John stuck in my head. It was on the radio today when I was sitting in the parking lot of the Arena Club blowing up my new pool raft. I'm also kind of in the mood to put on some Death Cab but it's a little late for music, maybe I'll watch tv reruns. I wonder if I am cold to 99.7% of the people I know. I wonder why I would be that way. I mean I suppose I could guess but it just surprises me. I'm not a cold person. I'm just cold after a certain point. Oh well. I'd rather not think too much about it at 12:42 on a Sunday night when I have a long day of work ahead of me tomorrow. At least I have a lunch packed and clothes ironed (thanks to my mommy:) )for tomorrow so it should be a good morning I hope. Ah well. I guess I'll go to bed now.

Love Calculator

2006-06-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

Ranma76430: look,
Ranma76430: actions speak louder than words
LizZaeMcLiz: true
Ranma76430: you do what you do, and he does (or doesn't) do what he does
Ranma76430: if those, in comparison, to you, really add up...
Ranma76430: then you may be bad at math :(
LizZaeMcLiz: im terrible at math actually
Ranma76430: lol
Ranma76430: get a calculator
Ranma76430: a love calculator
Ranma76430: TI-83 Love edition

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

2006-06-09T16:17:00.000-07:00

I never post on this thing. Partly because I don't ever really have the opportunity.

Maybe it's pathetic to admit it but it bothers me that the automatic font before I post is the same as Raaids. I think I talk about him less now.
I do think about him less. Or rather, when I think about him I don't get sad as often as I did before. I can have a thought about him and not become instantly sad.
I even started listening to the radio again.
Sort of.

NPR is always my safety net. Except during after hours jazz that is.

I have a bit of a crush on someone I shouldn't. It's a bad idea and even though I can't really help it...it makes me angry at myself.

You know how when you're at the very end of a breakup and you feel like utter shit and you meet someone who makes you feel the exact opposite and it's amazing and you think you're so lucky because *now* you can stop crying until you throw up and having fucked up dreams late at night...and *finally* now you can think about someone new and safe and who makes you laugh and blush at the same time? That feeling is bull shit. That ecstatic, can't-wait-until-they-call feeling is filling up the black-hole-vomiting-nightmaring part of you that he used to fill and when the happiness is ripped out again, the scar rips right back open. Filling heartbreak with love is counterproductive. You should fill your heartbreak with friends and arts and crafts and time alone so that you have things that no silly boy can take from you when he decides you're just not what he wants.

When we stopped speaking for a few days, and I surrounded myself with those things, I realized how angry I am. I wasn't angry before because I was too preoccupied with the soccer-ball sized hole that I felt he had ripped out of my chest.
I let him become so engrained in who I am, so integral to who I thought I was going to be...that leaving my life really did leave me up shit creek without a paddle.

Some people hand their love out to lots of people and so when one, even two people break their heart, they have a thousand other people around them. Some people are so afraid of giving out their love that they can only bring themselves to give it all to one person and with great difficulty. Those are the people that let heartbreak take over their lives.
I hate that I am that person, that I am so afraid of loving and being hurt, that I would allow myself to give one complete person that much power over me. I am so angry because I can't believe he hurt me that much but mostly, because I didn't think he could. So am I angry at him or myself? Does it matter? And what comes after anger? Disinterest? Indifference?

I guess it feels good to say all those things and get them off my chest because they've been clouding my head for weeks. I had a nightmare last night that a meteor was headed towards Earth and it was going to impact and kill everyone instantly and everyone knew it and so I called him and begged him to please spend the end of the world with me but he said he couldn't, he had to spend it with his family and friends. I can't believe my brain actually manifested that pathetic dream. And that it hurt so much. And that I had to freaking beg. And he still said no. Ugh. I want to say 'can't I please just meet my own version of Cute Guy and be happy already?' but I know I need to say 'I need to gain my independence of needing others and just be alone'. I feel like an eight year old trying to convince himself he'd rather have brussel sprouts than have cake.

It's 7:47 pm on a Friday night and I just contemplated going to bed in a couple of hours. What the hell?

Something other than nothing

2006-06-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

I am scared I won't stop loving him for years and all I'll end up with is 23 birthday candles and no one loving me back. I guess it's time to buck up and care about something other than trying to find *some* one I can trust to love me, and that I can love back and not have to be afraid of being hurt. Why does it seem so hard to care about anything unless I know I have someone standing behind me ushering me along telling me it's all going to work out?

I stopped listening to the radio. There's about four songs I won't change if they come on the radio and other than that, it's strictly NPR for me. I used to enjoy being sad because I guess it made me feel something. That sounds trite and cliche but I'd rather avoid feeling most of my emotions for right now. Im sure that will change with time.

I'm getting sick, thanks to the sudden change in weather. Fun

I went to Philly today and saw Al Gore's movie, the inconvenient truth. Very enjoyable, I hope lots and lots of people decide to see it.

I'm very tired

2006-06-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

"Some lies are so well disguised to resemble truth, that we should be poor judges of the truth not to believe them ." Willliam Jefferson Clinton

Memorial Day

2006-05-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

My room and most other things seem to be coming together nicely
I, however, appear to be unraveling at the seams

It's been a long four months. A lot of things have happened to change me in a lot of ways and
i
don't
like
it.
I can't help it but now, as much as I love you, I hate you.

What hurts the most

2006-05-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

I miss you and love you so much. But you said that's life, right?

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see your old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

The Most Dysfunctional Relationship That Never Was

2006-05-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

I wonder how many days Raaid and I spent "together" vs. how many days we spent broken up. The scale probably tips quite away more towards the latter. That's probably a big "you're doing the right thing" thumbs up. Can't wait for this summer. I love my friends :) My room is awesome, my car is awesome, my job is awesome, and my pool is awesome. I am going to relax until it hurts. Woohoo. And also, I think I'm going to take ceramics this summer. I really want to learn to work with the wheel. Sounds yummy

So much to do, so little time to do nothing

2006-05-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't exercised in like a week. Yuck. I want to go running but the weather's been pretty gross and I've been pretty busy.

I have my car, I'm slowly but surely moving...and actually I'm not sure why I havent moved completely. Well I suppose I do know but I need to get on it and stop being lazy and just pack up all my crap and move. Unfortunately, there's just not enough time in the day. I wake up at 8, I'm out of the house until 5-6(depending on the day) and by the time I manage to do anything it's 9 and I am so freaking tired. I don't have the energy to pack and drive to bel air and unpack and set everything up and finish painting and hang everything on the walls and clean the carpet.
Not to mention there's the things I *want* to do and with so many people leaving soon, I'm rushing to try and see people in the time I don't have. I'm sure I'm exagerating though and spend too much time sitting around doing nothing. But hey, I want time to sit around and do nothing too.

Work is fine, very easy and steady. If I just take everything one step at a time, there's no reason to get frustrated or overwhelmed. I'm only annoyed when I'm stuck doing something I dislike and that's rarely for more than half a day at most.

Not sure why I bother writing in this thing. Not sure that I have any thoughts I feel like sharing. I don't have much patience for people anymore but in my case, that's probably a good thing. I usually have way too much tolerance. Yawn. I need more sleep, money, and time and less work, bills, and annoying things in my life. Where do I sign up for that?

Happy HersDay

2006-05-11T11:58:00.001-07:00

I'm at work. I love my car. I feel so free. I really don't feel like moving all my stuff home. I'm sooo lazy. But it's really because I just can't seem to get a full nights sleep. I need to seriously work on that. And my tan.

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Corcovado parted the sky

2006-05-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend was eventful. On Friday after 5, people from work went to a bar around the corner to celebrate Cinco De Mayo. I declined to join and went home and met up with Adrienne. Then, we went to WaWa and had drinks, watched shaun of the dead, and Adri and Al came over to make drinks. I spilled several things multiple times, all over the carpet. In true Liz fashion. On Saturday, Gavin came down and we went to the 89th annual flower festival. I bought an awesome ring, we got our faces painted, we climbed the washington memorial, defaced it, got yelled at by a crazy woman, and bought some organic soap. The festival was awesome but it was still early so we grabbed the bus and went downtown and sat on the water and fed some ducks and a baby. It was very pretty and I got some nice sun. After that, we got awesome sushi and came home and did what we should have done that morning. We got high. We got high on the roof. We got high in my room. We rolled a joint and walked to the park and basked in the setting sun and got high. Then after a nice scenic walk around Charles Village, we came back and passed out. He left around 11 and I guess I could have gone out after that but I didnt really have it in me. These attempts to keep myself distracted are very fun and I'm glad I'm doing them but I wish I could enjoy them as much as possible. I'm grateful for Adrienne because seeing my feelings mirrored in her is very comforting and makes me feel like I'm not completely insane. I am picking up my car either Tuesday or Thursday and then that's it. Thank you Jesus, I am leaving Baltimore and never again speaking to anyone who associates themselves with that awful place again. I have to keep reminding myself that in order to overcome the bad and experience the good, you have to trudge your way through the bad first. These feelings suck and are still what I consider the worst in the world but that's life and before I know it, he really will mean less than nothing to me. I can't wait until I don't care if I ever speak to that asshole again. Woohoo

2006-05-04T14:25:00.000-07:00

camelback scoob: oh, but speaking of eating, a friend of mine is having a chocolate bunny eating party (she has a 3-foot chocolate bunny) sometime this coming week
camelback scoob: want to come?

Good Fucking Morning

2006-05-04T06:57:00.000-07:00

It is Thursday morning, 9:55 am, and I am at work. I am literally so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I hung out with Adrienne and Gavin last night after work and then went to sleep. I don't think I fell asleep until about 3 though. I had a couple of things keeping me up you could say. I am so tired. I want coffee but Whole Foods coffee actually manages to be more expensive than a Starbucks. How, I have no idea. We have coffee here but it tastes like someone drank it with molasses and then vomitted it back up. I may go over to whole foods and just get myself some fancy schmancy creamer. I have to make phone calls this morning. Making calls is my least favorite part of this job. Nothing frustrates me more than a stupid or mean person on the phone. I don't even like talking to nice people. My parents may get a divorce. I wish I had new parents. I use this guys laptop at work and guy decided to go to a ten hour meeting this morning without logging me into the network. It's gonna be a fun computer-less morning. It better not be a fun computer-less afternoon or my boss may walk in to find my face plastered to the desk and drool on all her papers. So tired

Random Tuesday

2006-05-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday but I really wish it were Friday and 5 oclock.
I hope my parents figure something out about my car and fast because I need to get out of this place. Every day is a reminder of a lot of things I'd rather forget. At least there always seems something to do. Even if it's Lost and hanging out with flip flop.
I went outside for lunch today and sat down by the water and watched sail boats go by. It felt nice to have the sun on the back of my neck.
I'm reading The Da Vinci code. It's weird reading a book I know so many other people have read. Couldn't say why though.
I made a mistake Sunday night that I hope I'll be smart enough not to make again.
I'm focusing on ignoring the feelings inside of me, rather than confronting and experiencing. It's making everything a lot easier. And it makes everything seem a little bit brighter.
Experience and living life really does make it easier when you have to confront a repeat problem. I guess that's why old folks are so smart

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

DPD

2006-04-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

Very interesting stuff to ponder

Bornstein (Costello, ed., 1996, pp. 124-125) suggests that genetic factors account for a relatively small portion of the variability in dependency levels. The parent/child relationship appears to be the major causal factor in the development of dependent personality traits. He believes that two parenting styles lead to high levels of dependency: authoritarian parenting and overprotective parenting. The consequences of these two types of parenting are the development of beliefs that dependent individuals cannot function without the guidance and protection of others, and that the way to maintain relationships is to acquiesce to requests, expectations, and demands.

judgement of others is distorted by their inclination to see others as they wish they were rather than as they are (Kantor, 1992, p. 172). These individuals are fixated in the past. They maintain youthful impressions; they retain unsophisticated ideas and childlike views of the people toward whom they remain totally submissive (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 333). Individuals with DPD view strong caretakers, in particular, in an idealized manner; they believe they will be all right as long as the strong figure upon whom they depend is accessible (Beck & Freeman, 1990, p. 44).

Not only will individuals with DPD subordinate their needs to those of others, they will meet unreasonable demands and submit to abuse and intimidation to avoid isolation and abandonment (Millon, 1981, pp.107-108). Dependent individuals so fear being unable to function alone that they will agree with things they believe are wrong rather than risk losing the help of people upon whom they depend (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 665). They will volunteer for unpleasant tasks if that will bring them the care and support they need. They will make extraordinary self-sacrifices to maintain important bonds (DSM-IV, 1994, pp. 665-666).

Individuals with DPD are inclined to avoid or deny harsh realities. They rely on feelings and empathic attunement with others rather than on thinking and problem-solving. DPDs are adept at sensing what others will reject and in identifying any threat to their support system (Richards, 1993, p. 243). These individuals show remarkable patience and persistence in maintaining what they have. They will use cajolery, bribery, moral censure, promises to change (rarely kept) and even threats to keep relationships upon which they depend. They rarely strive for anything more than the preservation of what they have; their efforts are put into avoiding failure (Kantor, 1992, p.169).

However, most of DPD literature refers to the vulnerability these individuals have to depression. Because of their susceptibility to separation, people with DPD are likely to experience affective disorders. The underlying characterological pessimism of DPD lends itself to a chronic, mild depression or dysthymia. When faced with abandonment, rejection, or loss they may experience a major depression (Millon, 1996, p. 181). They may also be able to mitigate their depression, even when experiencing abandonment, by a refusal to see what they do not want to see and a defensively sustained belief that everything will turn out all right (Kantor, 1992, p. 171).

Recollect

2006-04-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

I found these when I was creating this site. It makes me a little sad to read but time and distance has given me the chance to reevaluate these posts and apply it to my present situations. I'm sad that it's always about some other person, but it's poignant to me all the same.

Thursday, March 04, 2004
When I was in kindergarten, I used to stare out the fire drill door for hours and wonder, "what would happen if I just got up and walked out the door and kept going." Some days I wish I had done it, just to see what would have happened. It makes me wonder, knowing that I've had thoughts like that since I was five.I have cycles in my life. I live one way for awhile, until I crave change. I'll rearrange my life until it's as different as possible, and continue on until I get the urge to change things again. I did it when I moved, with Aaron, with my job, with camp, with Josh, and now I'm doing it again. I can't stay in one place for too long, do the same things, see the same people. It made falling in love very dangerous, because I knew it could happen again at any time. It started to, when I talked to BJ. My life has this all around feeling of being unfulfilled. I go from person to person, place to place, looking for something that I'm missing, never finding it. I tell myself maybe the next person I fall for, maybe that will take away this emptiness that I can't get seem to adjust to. I just wish I could find someone who understood me, who challenged me. Who gave me that feeling that starts in your stomach and goes to the very end of your toes, where the only thing that matters is their eyes on you and your hands on them and the rest of the world is fading fast around you. Someone asked me once what I was passionate about and I couldn't come up with a response. Maybe the correct answer is...everything. I'm passionate about love and life and words and music, that high you get when everything falls into place and everything makes sense. That feeling you get when you're lying with someone you love, your head on their chest, and you can hear their heartbeat...and it's the most important and fascinating thing you've ever heard. Like you have to keep on listening, just to make sure it doesn't stop. Or the way everything can just slow down and stop and you can be lying next to each other, just kissing. Everything else just fades away. These are the moments in my life that I live for. I have trouble understanding how anyone would give up the chance to feel that for someone else. The best feeling in the world, to me, is getting the chance to fall in love. I truly think I'd give anything just to make you understand

Sunday, February 22, 2004
I was thinking about March 9th and how a lot of things are connected to it. It made me realize that it's been a long 3 years. I was thinking about driving all that way and I remember the way everything smelled. It reminded me how I'd heard that smell is the strongest trigger of memory. I remembered the phone call, I'm here, and stepping out into the hall. The shock. The 'what now'. It reminded me of the movie we watched and the elevators. The way I blushed when he said my name and the way he pointed to his cheek and said "scar". I remembered the rough sheets on my naked skin and not realizing I'd fallen asleep in his arms. Not remembering where I was when he woke me up. "It's 5am" he said and ushered me out of the room. The lights were unbearably bright and I don't really remember the walk. I remember that I didn't sleep at all and stayed up until 7:30 writing. I kept everything, down to the directions. I got dressed in slow motion, not understanding, not comprehending. Suddenly intolerably sad. It took me to the next March 9th, to Chris and to Karyn. It reminded me of my backyard and running and laughing and falling down but still remembering the way he hugged me goodbye. One year later and I wasn't with Chris or Karyn and I wasn't even paying attention to the date. Besides a weird phone call here and there, a rare hello online, he'd filtered himself out of my life entirely. March 9th flowed into March 10th and I spent the night lying next to someone entirely different. Someone equally familiar but in a completely different way. One last conversation in October and no sign of him since. I stopped looking. I stopped remembering the cheap pictures on the wall and the tacky color of the paint on the walls. The smell of cigarettes and people and the lady at the front desk who took the envelope from me. The last time I felt my necklace resting comfortably on my neck. The weight on my chest as the building faded out of my view. I stopped wondering if every out-of-area phone call was going to be his voice on the other end, asking me how my bath was going. Another year went by and here I am now, with puzzle piece memories, an old journal, three digital pictures, and a sense of wonder. I wonder if she ever thinks about me and wonders if he's thinking about me too. I wonder if I'll ever watch cartoons with him again or if it even matters. I wonder if sometimes it isn't better to let certain people fade from your life and not wonder so much about what could have been.

and my favorite:

Saturday, February 14, 2004
What I'm looking for in a guy (revised):
Simplicity
No guaranteed committment
Someone who is willing to lie around and watch movies with me all day and eat junk food and just enjoy each others company
Long conversations. Substance not required, just meaning
Someone who wants to go out and party and have a few drinks, or just sit around and watch cartoons and drink a beer
Intelligence
Sense of purpose
Passion
Dedication
Ability to speak his mind
Honesty
Must have a great sense of humor and be witty
Someone who knows how to make me laugh
Someone with enough balls to stick around when things get a little rocky
A spark

Clean Slate

2006-04-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm retiring my old web site, after almost 800 days of use. It's served me well but it's time for some changes. I'm moving, I'm getting a new car (a big deal only to me, I'm sure), I'm single, and now I have a new way to talk about what's on my mind. All without having to think of the past. Denial probably isn't the best choice but it will have to do until something more appealing comes along.

Im at home for this weekend, painting my room and finding out about cars. The plan was to get one this weekend but my father offered to pay cash for it and have me pay him back, interest free. I'm hesitant to enter into something financially binding like that with my father, not because I can't pay it but because it gives him power to exert over me. Just what he wants, I'm sure. However, I don't think he would gain much by taking it away, as I'm the one paying for it. I could just stop paying it. Guess we'll see. I've learned the beauty of the phrase "choose your battles". Sure, he's usually wrong about everything but I'm better off not telling him every time. Keep my mouth shut, keep to myself, keep happy.

Im not sure how I feel about the way we painted my room. The technique didn't pan out exactly the way I'd hoped and I'm just praying it will come together in the end. Anything's better than white walls though I guess.

We're going to an O's game tomorrow, me, mom, and dad. Then I'm going home and getting ready for work the next day. I'm going to spend this week packing everything up in my room, taking things down and apart. It will probably make me sad.
Today was a hard day. Yesterday was better. The days are getting easier though and thoughts of him are more and more rare lately. Thank God. I am not going to feel guilty about not wanting to forgive someone for hurting me that deeply. Whether or not he thinks I have the right to be hurt, I am and I have that right. I just can't possibly imagining ever forgiving him. Every time I talk to him, I think about it. I'd rather just not talk at all. He made a choice and I told him in advance how I'd feel and what I'd do and he made the choice anyway. That is literally all I can reasonably do, and I'd rather save face and energy and remove myself from the situation completely. I have the right to feel the way I do and no one can make me feel guilty about not forgiving. I've never turned my back on someone and I've never walked away. Maybe that's the mistake I've been making

Work is a chore but a fun/interesting one. Even though I'm often saying "ugh she drives me crazy!", the days almost always fly by and there's always some kind of variety and something new to learn. I mean, I meet interesting people every day. Some of them are successful business men/women, some are working their way up, some are famous. I get to call exciting places. I mean, it isn't exactly awe inspiring but for a job, I can't complain. At least not now. Even when I'm stuffing envelopes and entering data for three hours, I'm on aim chatting with friends and drinking awesome coffee or tea from the Whole Foods next door. There may come a time when I outgrow this job and I'll move on (she'll probably literally have a heart attack and die) but for now, its the best, most interesting, opportune, enlightening job I've had the luxury of having. Rocky Run, kiss my business suited ass.

One thing I think I'll enjoy about home is the ability to go into the backyard, lay in a chair, close my eyes, and just enjoy the sun. I can walk away from the internet and my phone, and be alone with my thoughts. Thank God I'm getting better at being alone with my thoughts. I'm learning sometimes it's better to say nothing, even when you have something to say, and accept things as they are. I cannot control everything in my life. The sooner I accept that, the happier and more adjusted I shall be. In the words of my amazing friend Adrienne, yay!