Clean Slate
I guess I'm retiring my old web site, after almost 800 days of use. It's served me well but it's time for some changes. I'm moving, I'm getting a new car (a big deal only to me, I'm sure), I'm single, and now I have a new way to talk about what's on my mind. All without having to think of the past. Denial probably isn't the best choice but it will have to do until something more appealing comes along.Im at home for this weekend, painting my room and finding out about cars. The plan was to get one this weekend but my father offered to pay cash for it and have me pay him back, interest free. I'm hesitant to enter into something financially binding like that with my father, not because I can't pay it but because it gives him power to exert over me. Just what he wants, I'm sure. However, I don't think he would gain much by taking it away, as I'm the one paying for it. I could just stop paying it. Guess we'll see. I've learned the beauty of the phrase "choose your battles". Sure, he's usually wrong about everything but I'm better off not telling him every time. Keep my mouth shut, keep to myself, keep happy.
Im not sure how I feel about the way we painted my room. The technique didn't pan out exactly the way I'd hoped and I'm just praying it will come together in the end. Anything's better than white walls though I guess.
We're going to an O's game tomorrow, me, mom, and dad. Then I'm going home and getting ready for work the next day. I'm going to spend this week packing everything up in my room, taking things down and apart. It will probably make me sad.
Today was a hard day. Yesterday was better. The days are getting easier though and thoughts of him are more and more rare lately. Thank God. I am not going to feel guilty about not wanting to forgive someone for hurting me that deeply. Whether or not he thinks I have the right to be hurt, I am and I have that right. I just can't possibly imagining ever forgiving him. Every time I talk to him, I think about it. I'd rather just not talk at all. He made a choice and I told him in advance how I'd feel and what I'd do and he made the choice anyway. That is literally all I can reasonably do, and I'd rather save face and energy and remove myself from the situation completely. I have the right to feel the way I do and no one can make me feel guilty about not forgiving. I've never turned my back on someone and I've never walked away. Maybe that's the mistake I've been making
Work is a chore but a fun/interesting one. Even though I'm often saying "ugh she drives me crazy!", the days almost always fly by and there's always some kind of variety and something new to learn. I mean, I meet interesting people every day. Some of them are successful business men/women, some are working their way up, some are famous. I get to call exciting places. I mean, it isn't exactly awe inspiring but for a job, I can't complain. At least not now. Even when I'm stuffing envelopes and entering data for three hours, I'm on aim chatting with friends and drinking awesome coffee or tea from the Whole Foods next door. There may come a time when I outgrow this job and I'll move on (she'll probably literally have a heart attack and die) but for now, its the best, most interesting, opportune, enlightening job I've had the luxury of having. Rocky Run, kiss my business suited ass.
One thing I think I'll enjoy about home is the ability to go into the backyard, lay in a chair, close my eyes, and just enjoy the sun. I can walk away from the internet and my phone, and be alone with my thoughts. Thank God I'm getting better at being alone with my thoughts. I'm learning sometimes it's better to say nothing, even when you have something to say, and accept things as they are. I cannot control everything in my life. The sooner I accept that, the happier and more adjusted I shall be. In the words of my amazing friend Adrienne, yay!
posted by Lizzae @ 4:13 PM
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