LizzaeMcLiz

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

I never post on this thing. Partly because I don't ever really have the opportunity.

Maybe it's pathetic to admit it but it bothers me that the automatic font before I post is the same as Raaids. I think I talk about him less now.
I do think about him less. Or rather, when I think about him I don't get sad as often as I did before. I can have a thought about him and not become instantly sad.
I even started listening to the radio again.
Sort of.

NPR is always my safety net. Except during after hours jazz that is.

I have a bit of a crush on someone I shouldn't. It's a bad idea and even though I can't really help it...it makes me angry at myself.

You know how when you're at the very end of a breakup and you feel like utter shit and you meet someone who makes you feel the exact opposite and it's amazing and you think you're so lucky because *now* you can stop crying until you throw up and having fucked up dreams late at night...and *finally* now you can think about someone new and safe and who makes you laugh and blush at the same time? That feeling is bull shit. That ecstatic, can't-wait-until-they-call feeling is filling up the black-hole-vomiting-nightmaring part of you that he used to fill and when the happiness is ripped out again, the scar rips right back open. Filling heartbreak with love is counterproductive. You should fill your heartbreak with friends and arts and crafts and time alone so that you have things that no silly boy can take from you when he decides you're just not what he wants.

When we stopped speaking for a few days, and I surrounded myself with those things, I realized how angry I am. I wasn't angry before because I was too preoccupied with the soccer-ball sized hole that I felt he had ripped out of my chest.
I let him become so engrained in who I am, so integral to who I thought I was going to be...that leaving my life really did leave me up shit creek without a paddle.

Some people hand their love out to lots of people and so when one, even two people break their heart, they have a thousand other people around them. Some people are so afraid of giving out their love that they can only bring themselves to give it all to one person and with great difficulty. Those are the people that let heartbreak take over their lives.
I hate that I am that person, that I am so afraid of loving and being hurt, that I would allow myself to give one complete person that much power over me. I am so angry because I can't believe he hurt me that much but mostly, because I didn't think he could. So am I angry at him or myself? Does it matter? And what comes after anger? Disinterest? Indifference?

I guess it feels good to say all those things and get them off my chest because they've been clouding my head for weeks. I had a nightmare last night that a meteor was headed towards Earth and it was going to impact and kill everyone instantly and everyone knew it and so I called him and begged him to please spend the end of the world with me but he said he couldn't, he had to spend it with his family and friends. I can't believe my brain actually manifested that pathetic dream. And that it hurt so much. And that I had to freaking beg. And he still said no. Ugh. I want to say 'can't I please just meet my own version of Cute Guy and be happy already?' but I know I need to say 'I need to gain my independence of needing others and just be alone'. I feel like an eight year old trying to convince himself he'd rather have brussel sprouts than have cake.

It's 7:47 pm on a Friday night and I just contemplated going to bed in a couple of hours. What the hell?

posted by Lizzae @ 4:17 PM