LizzaeMcLiz

Recollect

I found these when I was creating this site. It makes me a little sad to read but time and distance has given me the chance to reevaluate these posts and apply it to my present situations. I'm sad that it's always about some other person, but it's poignant to me all the same.





Thursday, March 04, 2004
When I was in kindergarten, I used to stare out the fire drill door for hours and wonder, "what would happen if I just got up and walked out the door and kept going." Some days I wish I had done it, just to see what would have happened. It makes me wonder, knowing that I've had thoughts like that since I was five.I have cycles in my life. I live one way for awhile, until I crave change. I'll rearrange my life until it's as different as possible, and continue on until I get the urge to change things again. I did it when I moved, with Aaron, with my job, with camp, with Josh, and now I'm doing it again. I can't stay in one place for too long, do the same things, see the same people. It made falling in love very dangerous, because I knew it could happen again at any time. It started to, when I talked to BJ. My life has this all around feeling of being unfulfilled. I go from person to person, place to place, looking for something that I'm missing, never finding it. I tell myself maybe the next person I fall for, maybe that will take away this emptiness that I can't get seem to adjust to. I just wish I could find someone who understood me, who challenged me. Who gave me that feeling that starts in your stomach and goes to the very end of your toes, where the only thing that matters is their eyes on you and your hands on them and the rest of the world is fading fast around you. Someone asked me once what I was passionate about and I couldn't come up with a response. Maybe the correct answer is...everything. I'm passionate about love and life and words and music, that high you get when everything falls into place and everything makes sense. That feeling you get when you're lying with someone you love, your head on their chest, and you can hear their heartbeat...and it's the most important and fascinating thing you've ever heard. Like you have to keep on listening, just to make sure it doesn't stop. Or the way everything can just slow down and stop and you can be lying next to each other, just kissing. Everything else just fades away. These are the moments in my life that I live for. I have trouble understanding how anyone would give up the chance to feel that for someone else. The best feeling in the world, to me, is getting the chance to fall in love. I truly think I'd give anything just to make you understand


Sunday, February 22, 2004
I was thinking about March 9th and how a lot of things are connected to it. It made me realize that it's been a long 3 years. I was thinking about driving all that way and I remember the way everything smelled. It reminded me how I'd heard that smell is the strongest trigger of memory. I remembered the phone call, I'm here, and stepping out into the hall. The shock. The 'what now'. It reminded me of the movie we watched and the elevators. The way I blushed when he said my name and the way he pointed to his cheek and said "scar". I remembered the rough sheets on my naked skin and not realizing I'd fallen asleep in his arms. Not remembering where I was when he woke me up. "It's 5am" he said and ushered me out of the room. The lights were unbearably bright and I don't really remember the walk. I remember that I didn't sleep at all and stayed up until 7:30 writing. I kept everything, down to the directions. I got dressed in slow motion, not understanding, not comprehending. Suddenly intolerably sad. It took me to the next March 9th, to Chris and to Karyn. It reminded me of my backyard and running and laughing and falling down but still remembering the way he hugged me goodbye. One year later and I wasn't with Chris or Karyn and I wasn't even paying attention to the date. Besides a weird phone call here and there, a rare hello online, he'd filtered himself out of my life entirely. March 9th flowed into March 10th and I spent the night lying next to someone entirely different. Someone equally familiar but in a completely different way. One last conversation in October and no sign of him since. I stopped looking. I stopped remembering the cheap pictures on the wall and the tacky color of the paint on the walls. The smell of cigarettes and people and the lady at the front desk who took the envelope from me. The last time I felt my necklace resting comfortably on my neck. The weight on my chest as the building faded out of my view. I stopped wondering if every out-of-area phone call was going to be his voice on the other end, asking me how my bath was going. Another year went by and here I am now, with puzzle piece memories, an old journal, three digital pictures, and a sense of wonder. I wonder if she ever thinks about me and wonders if he's thinking about me too. I wonder if I'll ever watch cartoons with him again or if it even matters. I wonder if sometimes it isn't better to let certain people fade from your life and not wonder so much about what could have been.

and my favorite:

Saturday, February 14, 2004
What I'm looking for in a guy (revised):
Simplicity
No guaranteed committment
Someone who is willing to lie around and watch movies with me all day and eat junk food and just enjoy each others company
Long conversations. Substance not required, just meaning
Someone who wants to go out and party and have a few drinks, or just sit around and watch cartoons and drink a beer
Intelligence
Sense of purpose
Passion
Dedication
Ability to speak his mind
Honesty
Must have a great sense of humor and be witty
Someone who knows how to make me laugh
Someone with enough balls to stick around when things get a little rocky
A spark

posted by Lizzae @ 4:48 PM